Huge screen used to entice rioters from homes

Police in Birmingham have taken to the streets with a 20-foot screen in the hopes that it will lure rioters back onto the streets and, ultimately, into custody.

The van is used in conjunction with a giant cage which, much like a sheep-pen or rat-trap is used to contain packs of wild poor people as they chase the giant screen through the streets. The lure/trap combination has had remarkable success so far with a staggering 10 track-suited, angry proletarians already in custody for trying to prise the screen from the side of the van with crowbars.

Birmingham resident and theft enthusiast Pete Walford said, “I’ve hardly left the house since I was spotted pinching some snickers from a petrol station on Monday but, well, look at that shit. I’ve got half a mind to grab my screwdriver and get out there.

“It’s massive innit. Imagine how good Call Of Duty would look running through that.”

The screen, currently strapped onto the side on a Mercedes Sprinter in Birmingham’s notoriously crime ridden Moss Side district boasts HD resolution and can reportedly be adapted for use with stolen Xbox’s for around £30.

Birmingham Police have furthered the appeal of the screen to would-be looters by displaying pictures of looters as they drive around the slums of Moss Side. In a move suspected to be an attempt to appeal to the poor’s notorious love for shows such as Big Brother, The Only Way Is Essex and X Factor, the pictures lure would be thieves into thinking they are famous and, as follows such delusions, allowed to get away with anything.

Criminal Psychologist Dane Wolchalski said, “It may seems strange that the mere promise of instant fame would drive a potential rioter to crime, but look at Britain’s Got Talent.

“The show’s whole premise is based on the fact that if you give a moron a little taste of fame they will do outrageous things for the smallest of incentives. All the police have done here is harness that for the sake of entrapment.

“And isn’t that what policing’s all about?

He added, “Probably.”

‘By Jove they’re good at fighting’: Cameron to push for national service.

The rebelling poor of England have taken the spotlight as a potential source of cheap army labour following the recent unrest throughout England.

With much of London, Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool still reeling from the events of the last week, Prime Minister David Cameron is reportedly licking his lips at the prospect of stocking out his beleaguered and overworked army with a fresh supply of fight-happy, violent jihad-fodder.

In a remarkable own-goal for the rioters, many of whom claim to have taken the unrest as an opportunity to vent frustrations at an increasingly malignant and uncaring state, The government is now apparently hell-bent on forcing the youth of Britain into national service- ensuring that our future resource wars will be better manned and, in all likelihood, even rapier than ever.

While many observers have questioned the efficacy of arming a demographic already apparently hell-bent on learning weapons skills and violence in their own spare time, a growing number of people are applauding the move as just the sort of forward-thinking we need to successfully steal the likes of Iran’s oil reserves.

Stockwell-based market trader and part-time racist Paul Hartly said, “Having seen the scale of destruction meted out on the businesses of London by these scruffy, unwashed yobs I can totally see where the sense in these measures lies.

“After all, they’re clearly keen on smashing things, why not put them in amongst the rag-heads?

“It’s two birds one stone innit? Help our boys acquire more oil and keep the ugly face of a divided society neatly out of sight. Sweet.”

Not everyone agrees though. Combat expert Brigadier Horatio Cornbuckle said: “While I can certainly see where Cameron’s coming from here, the army at present does what it can to try and avoid recruiting dangerous sociopaths.

“Now, that’s not to say that we don’t occasionally let a few finger collectors, prisoner molestors or friendly fire enthusiasts through the net but to propose that we start actively targeting lunatics is probably something of a mistake.

“After all, the last thing you want to give someone who loves destruction is a gun. Right?

“That said, maybe the whole ‘hearts and minds’ attitude taken by the top brass has had its day. Mindless brutality, casual arson and blood-curdling violence worked in the days of Genghis Khan and look how succesfull he was.

He added, “Maybe it’s time to start learning from the masters.”

By Kristian Goodchild, kgoodchild@gmail.com

Carnage review: Nicholas Jaar, Fabric, Thursday 30th 2011

Stop the press. Please, for the love of God, stop the press.

Nicholas Jaar could be forgiven for thinking it was a good idea to re-imagine his universally acclaimed album as a live act; he is, after all, more than a techno DJ. Anybody that knows anything about music knows that mid-song tempo shifts and pitch-shifted saxophones are the sole territory of avant-garde, jazz-electronica pioneers. Nicolas Jaar knows this better than anyone.
Jaar’s band of frat-buddy, grade-5 instrumentalists could be forgiven for thinking that touring with a Joaquin Phoenix lookalike from South America would all but guarantee them a veritable cornucopia of coke and hookers, and could therefore be forgiven for prostituting themselves to his Mozart-puppet-master fantasies and wanking off their instruments in turn whilst gazing longingly at their provider.

So much coke and hookers that they turned up 45 minutes late for their set, and left the stage after little over an hour of performing to a crowd that paid £15 each to see them.

So who's to blame for the unpunctual, overpriced and arrogantly concise performance by Jaar and Co? The Press. Nicolas Jaar is, after all “just a techno DJ”, and if we needed any proof, it was in the woefully uninventive live interpretation of his album. The only noticeable contributions from his band members were their pseudo-virtuoso solos over the previously opium-dream interludes in his songs, lapped up by a crowd that had apparently never hung around to watch a year 9 school concert where for the sake of parent politics, every child gets a solo part.

You see, the Press have convinced Jaar, his pals and the world that he’s some messianic spawn of Gil Scott-Heron and Ricardo Villalobos. He’s not- the messianic spawn of Gil Scott-Heron and Ricardo Villalobos could rearrange Ludacris on a whistle and a cello and in half an hour make it sound like Mozart.

Jaar is ultimately just a really talented young producer with a truly original sound (and some enthusiastic friends with expensive instruments bought with their college funds), that is all. And I don’t want to sound petty, but he’s going to feel like a real idiot when he realises it in a 5 star hotel room surrounded by all that coke and all those hookers.

By Luke Hodgkinson

“Look! We’re helping!” insist America.

American support for potential presidential candidate Omar Suleiman is based on an altruistic, charitable desire to help the Egyptian people and not a desperate attempt to cling onto power in the increasingly anti-western country, a State Department spokesman insisted today.

Chuck Delaney, from the US office of Dictator Affairs said, “What are you talking about? Suileman is a fair, decent man. How dare you imply that we are trying to install a stooge?

“Fact of the matter is that the guy is a stand-up kinda of dude. The sort of fella you can rely on to provide exemplary health care, human rights conditions and infrastructure reform to a country yelling out for change.”

“And may I reiterate, once and for all, that he is absolutely not a patsy designed to toe our diplomatic line in a transparent attempt to keep getting the billions of military aid we intend to keep pumping into the country.”

“We don’t care one iota if he keeps supporting Israel’s horrific human rights record or backs us up whenever we whine about Iran.” said Delaney, while casually tossing a small, fez-wearing boy into a nearby furnace for warmth.

“All we care about is the welfare of the Eqyptian people.”

“Seriously”

The international community is not convinced however. Middle east reporter Clancy Ritchings said, “It’s pretty amazing that they think they can get away with it really. As head of Egyptian Intelligence, Sulleimen probably has more blood on his hands than any other Egyptian politician, Mubarak included.

“It’s like kicking out Hitler and installing Goebells”.

She added, “Seriously. What the fuck America?”

“But where will we wash?” ask tramps.

The planned closure of 360 of Britains libraries will leave many of the UK’s tramps unwashed, researchers have revealed.

In a study funded by the UK institute of homeless research, pollers found that 90% of the country’s transients will now have to resort to washing themselves in fountains, birdbaths and rivers.

Trampologist Stephen Greaves said, “This is terrible news for the tramps. No longer will they be able to use the disabled toilets as a sort of walk-in washroom. And neither will they be able to read the stocks news on those weird papers with massive planks of wood down the spine, pretending to be some sort of off-duty stockbroker”

“Not that they were fooling anyone mind. Everyone knows stockbrokers only read Nuts and Zoo”

The study also found that the removal of free internet provision at the remaining libraries will lead to pensioners having to take their stupid, obvious questions about email to Mcdonalds and poorly equipped internet cafes.

Racist octogenarian Patsy Smith, of Leighton Buzzard said, “I don’t fancy the prospect of sharing an internet café with minorities and that. And what if theres a man wanking in the booth next to me?

“And who will listen to me complaining about the postal service?”

She added, “This is a nightmare”

The plans for removal of libraries is expected to go ahead regardless though, with the saved money going on buying all the UK’s papers in a desperate attempt to garner some positive press for Nick Clegg.

The move, described as ‘literally the only thing that’s going to save’ the beleaguered Lib-Dem chief’s reputation is the brain-child of disgraced former tory spin-doctor Nick Coulson.

The cunt.

Well-armed police still best route to freedom, insist America

Arming despotic rulers with billions of pounds worth of military armaments, knowing fully well that it will be used by the police to crush internal dissent is still the best way to ensure freedom abroad, a spokesman for the US Defence Department said yesterday.

“Despite the horrific scenes in Cairo apparently proving that this sort of mentality generally leads to mass brutality, atrocities and hellish fury, the US Government remains committed to the arming of allied states.” said the spokesman.

“After all, without basic small armaments, tear gas and giant man traps how on earth are you supposed to police peacefull protests?”

He added, “You’ll thank us later Egypt.”

Meanwhile, with the streets of Cairo apparently escalating towards some sort of murderous rampage, many onlookers were starting to question the efficacy of America’s insistence on arming literally anyone who said they hated Palestine.

A spokesman for the anti-Mubarak movement was unavailable for comment. Mainly because of the sheer amount of brain falling out of his skull.

Military look ‘all the rage’ in Egypt.

Pro-Mubarak supporters have been sporting a dazzling array of cobbled together civilian/military costumes in what outsiders are calling ‘a resurgence of military chic.’

Fashion critic Zsa-Zsa Gibbon called the trend, “a natural return to form for the Egyptian people” who, in her opinion are well overdue a resurgence of the combat look.

“All over Cairo we’re seeing middle aged men with despotic paunches sporting daring combinations of military trousers and TK-Max t-shirts.”

“I think the look they’re going for is the sort of ‘off duty security personnel engaging in brutality’ style… Very NOW, you know”

The trend is certainly gaining pace. All over the cities of Cairo and Alexandria the proliferation of violent men who look just like poorly disguised members of the security services are showing off their looks by going out and liberally beating peaceful protesters.

Pro-Mubarak supporter and sociopathic violence junkie Mustafa Assouk said “We’re really into this look at the moment. I’m not sure exactly what it is about looking like we’ve just finished a shift at the Stasi-esque secret police and then popped down the streets to crack some skulls really….

“Maybe it’s just a season thing… you know how fickle fashion is.”

“Either way, I’m all over it. Look how this cheap t-shirts perfectly accessorises the standard issue pants I’m wearing. Check out how this confiscated hoodie perfectly concerns the billy club in my pocket.

“The look is perfect form meets function”

He added, “Now, where’s my tazer?”