Ra Fest. Pure hatred in a field...

Who are these godamn morons?

Jesus… I an understand the appeal of getting 40 of your most idiotic looking friends to stand around in a fucking field watching each other churn out god awful metal but.. seriously… don’t call it a fucking festival.

We had been promised a festival. We had been promised marquees.

When we arrived at the superbly terribly named “Ra Fest” though we were besiege by a far more horrible sight.

Rock monsters surrounded us, loitering around a couple of battered gazebos, leering and gurning in the throes of some sort of horrible drug/booze combination… the mere though of joining them by doing the drugs we had procured for the occasion filled me with a wretching horror that no amount of MDAM was going to sort out.

“What’s the point of getting fucked up if all were going to experience is a more intense version of the horror that I am already reeling from sober?”

Well, quite.

No, much better to stand and look disenchanted as the procession of awful bands parade one after an other in front of our incredulous eyes.

And awful they were. No respect for the audience in these swine.

“Just get fucked up and act like musicians, even if it sounds fucking awfull.”

“Best Ra Fest ever” was the scream from the dwarf metaller with glo sticks hanging from his tatty rock-monster beard.

Yeah, I reckon.

You absolute cunts.

Sweet Dreams of Suprise Eurythmics Gig

The demented community of Manor House was in a frenzy this morning after news spread that some skint wasters had inadvertently uncovered what is thought to be an old guitar once belonging to Dave Stewart, guitarist and one half of famed musical duo, Eurythmics.

It is known that Stewart once owned a warehouse overlooking the green where the artefact was discovered, which lends some gravity to the claims. Guy Rowlands, a half-wit warehouse dweller, came upon the instrument buried three foot deep in the soil whilst digging a little too deep in search of a discarded wrap.

“I couldn’t fucking believe it” spat the cretin. “And the secret message, it’s a miracle”. The ‘secret message’ he refers to is an etching in the guitar featuring the words ‘The band will play at sundown, 18 September 2010’.

Well-known local opportunist, Damian Bertoncello, has taken custody of the instrument, displaying it at a nearby warehouse where he is charging local music enthusiasts ten pounds a pop to play a song. “It’s a miracle alright” said the entrepreneur / con artist. “Fuck the ‘secret message’, I’m laughing all the way to the bank”.

Local sceptic, Huey Mia, has dismissed the authenticity of the recent relic, exclusively revealing to London Carnage that he “got a photo while that cunt Damian was busy counting his shekels”. Mia later sent the evidence to an unnamed Eurythmics aficionado, although the results of the expert’s examination came back inconclusive.

Clearly determined to disprove the validity of the chiselled communication, the cynical, busybody neighbour deemed the discovery ‘worse than that time that Paul McIntosh thought he’d seen a UFO’, and has begun to picket the warehouse where the guitar is being kept under close surveillance.

Meanwhile, the engraved words have prompted mass delirium, with hundreds descending upon 'The Manor' in hope of catching what promises to be the most memorable gig in history.

Sufjan Stevens EP out now and just £3.50

http://sufjanstevens.bandcamp.com/

It's rare that something truly amazing is actually released nowadays, so no need to add anything to this story apart from the praise it deserves.

Ill informed bullying will recommence soon, until then you must check out this hour of magic.

Renegade Jew Nails Jesus, Gets Stoned

In a shocking revelation, it emerged last night that the son of God indulged in all ‘Manor’ of sins following his violent moral assault on a usually atmospheric North London party venue last weekend.

Confused revelers were blown away by the celebrity’s shock appearance, confirming his identity only after inspecting his airy footwear and enduring an hour-long tirade of Christian-themed bollocks.

Hazy reports indicate that as the night went on it became clear the surprise guest was not all he claimed to be, rather, the general consensus was that he was a massive cunt.

Luckily for all present, his tedious, self-righteous rambling was cut short when a hardcore Hasidic planted a kiss on his cheek and lured him back to her nearby lair, from which he did not rise until the third day.

One party-goer could recall just about enough to shed faint light on the identity of the disgraced devotee, “Overall she cut a haggard figure despite a very shiny, symmetrical haircut. At first she seemed alright, a few sandwiches short of a picnic and that, but before long she was churning out a string of lewd comments about wanting ‘the body of Christ’, disgusting.”

The debacle reached a bloody conclusion last night, local police were called to a scene of unimaginable horror where the mystery miser had been stoned to death. The authorities are investigating claims that the crime was committed by eleven close friends of the victim, apparently incensed by rumours that she had been paid thirty bags of pork scratchings to remove his holiness from Saturday's party.

The community of neighbouring Stamford Hill are said to be awash with grief at the loss of the assumed member of their congregation.

The Worst Of Myspace Part 1

I thought being given a kind of A&R job would be quite fun. Listening to music all day, checking out exciting new bands. Yeah! This is the dream... then like with most things, reality kicked in. Wait a minute, aren't pretty much all bands dogshit?
Yes, yes they are.

I have listened to most of the worst bands in the UK at this time and it is not pretty. Imagine this, if bands like the Kooks and Razorlight are the cream that rose to the top, then what did the shit at the bottom look like?

Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you London Carnage's guide to the UK's music scene.

http://www.myspace.com/caudapavonis

If the pulse can be found up Beelzebub's anus then these guys have got their finger firmly on it. A fat goth with luminous dreads, singing poor gothic rock featuring midi pan pipes and face-paint. Warp Records best snap these guys up quick!

http://www.myspace.com/nolegacymusic

"Na, don't worry about tuning the guitars. Serge's silky smooth vocals will carry it." I can't tell if this band are trying for some genius lo-fi remix of the Arctic Monkeys infused with Black Flag's raw energy or if they are shit and just don't have a clue.
Actually... Yep, it's the later isn't it? Definitely.

http://www.myspace.com/anotherlifes

It's always nice to be somebody's second play on Myspace, it gives me the feeling of walking on fresh crisp white fallen snow like those lovely winters from my childhood. Also one of relief that this turd has not been squeezed out upon the world yet. It's the drums that are the real killer on this one, I think he's on lesson number 2 and has about as much timing and feel as.. well, Lars Ulrich.

Still, at least the production is better than Metallica's 'St.Anger'.

http://www.myspace.com/acabinetofcuriosity

True artists, visionaries, great minds who allow ideas to flow freely and purely, or a couple of IT technicians from Manchester acting like idiots on stage behind the safety of stupid masks.
I'll let you decide.

http://www.myspace.com/bluesyska

Bluesy's biography states "I've been a musician for as long as I can remember" can't be that long really or surely he'd be good.
Has he got Alzheimer's?


So there we have it. If any of these acts happen to Google upon this then please don't cry... best to just give up.

Bye for now.

Wyclef Jean tries hand at brain surgery.

Fugees start Wyclef Jean has been attempting brain surgery in the latest hilarious development of his ego-maniacal sojourn into the world of delusion.

Jean is said to have broken into a hospital in Los Angeles late last night and tinkered around with the innards of a number of patients before being caught by an orderly, scalpel in hand and yelling something about being “a God amongst men”.

After tiring of his demented attempt to run for President of Haiti, Jean is now said to be moving on to more far-flung ambitions, starting with neuro-surgery but also including, sources reveal, rocket science, nano-technology and, perhaps most bizarrely of all, attempting to record another mediocre record.

“Wyclef's been out of control for some time now” said a source close to the star.

“He's like a child. One minute he wants to be a deep sea diver, the next he wants to be a helicopter. The problem is though that he's got the money and the wherewithal to actually attempt to make these idiotic ambitions come to fruition.”

A recovering victim of his attempt at brain surgery said last night, “Wyclef John is a very dangerous man.”

“We can only hope that he eventually runs out of momentum.”

He added, “If everyone stops buying his records and leaves him alone he might fuck off and stop bothering people.

“If not... well, the blood will very much be on our hands”

“I Am The Second Coming Motherfucker” By Wyclef Jean is released later this month on Mentalist Records.

N-Dubz star blames trashed apartment on aliens.

Dappy from N-Dubz is reportedly under attack from aliens intent on ruining his hitherto unblemished reputation as a clean cut spokesman for the drug-free demographic, according to pals of the star.

News that the half-wit rapper has been fined £5000 for laying waste to his Canary wharf apartment after a string of parties left the £2000 pound a month property “stinking” left the music world reeling yesterday.

Dimitri Berkley of Cunt Weekly called the revelations “Unthinkable.”

“Dappy is a role model for young, urban youths everywhere. To think that such a crisp pillar of society is capable of these sort of foul acts is pretty abhorrent”

A friend of the rapper said yesterday, ”No matter how hard he tries to clean up his image, Dappy always seems to find himself in hot water”

“Just the other day he was down the soup kitchen feeding the homeless and then, like, all of a sudden, someone placed a crack pipe in his hand and he started smashing the place up.”

“Clearly aliens are the only explanation”

Dappy, who has famously never done drugs, swore,had sex or even thought about selling under-weight grams of skunk to children to pay for his crack habit, is insistent that he is not responsible for the various hilarious misdeeds attributed to him.

In a statement yesterday he told reporters “It's sort of like that close encounters of a third kind film. Just a bit more cracky.

“Every night I start out pretty normal like... then before I know it it's 6 hours later, everything's all fucked up and there;s drug paraphernalia everywhere. Needless to say, the aliens responsible for this are fucking cunts.”

“More of the Fucking Same” by N-Dubz is out on Massive Cunt records later this year.

Wayne Coyne ”really, really bored”

Flaming lips front-man and potential missing link candidate Wayne Coyne is apparently more bored then ever, according to friends of the singer. The news follows the completely unnecessary yet not entirely unappealing posting of pictures of his wife's arse on twitter.

Coyne has reputedly lost interest in all the usual methods he utilises to kill boredom.

Friends have reported that his usual hobbies of “Ludo, jigsaw puzzles and chasing racoons around his tour-bus with a sock-full of pennies, liberally smashing their brains open while yelling 'Jehovah'” simply don't do it for the acid infested lunatic anymore.

It is therefore, they say, no surprise that he has resorted to exploiting his wife's arse for a few cheap thrills in lieau of any other distractions from the mind-numbing mundanity of being in a frankly mediocre band.

A friend of Coyne said yesterday, “look, it was either his wife's arse or Coyne's own crinkled old ball-sack. Frankly I think we did a blinder convincing him against the latter.

“I know his missus aint got the most tasty behind in the world but lets face it, we'd all rather see that than Coyne's warty old scrotum wouldn't we?”

Mrs Coyne was unavailable for comment, although a source close to worried wag said she was “just glad he hadn't gone back to killing people.”

Flaming lips will, inexplicably, be playing all manner of concerts throughout the world for fuck knows how long.

Tickets are available from all reputable tramps.

Gig Goer Review - Fool's gold, DM Stith 16/08 @ The Borderline

That guy to the left of me with a green t-shirt and short brown hair.

During opener DM Stith he was nowhere to be seen. Possibly finishing up work as a recruitment consultant or an estate agent. Then out the door and 'it's party time!' 'Steveo' is on a mission to get pissed and be as ignorantly unaware of his surroundings as possible!

Wonderfully stole the little patch of space infront of me about 5 minutes into Fool's Gold. He doesn't mind that he's pushing so much of his body against mine it could be described as spooning. Progressively tougher pushes from me only lead to annoy our green shirted friend.

A highlight of the set was the bit when he decided to skilfully asked what seemed like ten people (colleagues?) if they 'wanna beer?' about an inch infront of my face. It seems 'Steveo's' bonus for renting out that flat in Ilford is going on big rounds and maybe that sparkling Guns & Roses T-Shirt he saw in River Island.

The set was finished with some wonderfully confident out of tune singing. I think the concept of in tune is so far away from him that he doesn't even know he's doing wrong. In his mind he's beautiful voice is similar to Justin Timberlake's, moistening all females in earshot.

I suppose the problem with going to watch a gig sponsored by Uncut Magazine, is the fact it will certainally be fully of Uncut readers.

2/5

Oh and yeah, he's a cunt.

Jesus makes surprise appearance at Manor House party, annoys many.

Our saviour and Son of God, Jesus Christ made a shock appearance at a warehouse party this weekend.

Treating all present at the drug-fuelled shindig to choice nuggets of holy wisdom, Jesus managed to kill the buzzes of no less than 15 people over the duration of his hour long lecture on “pretty much anything On which I can be bothered to have an opinion”.

Onlooker and party fiend Stuart Konchanski said “I've not been to church for a while so it was kinda hard to work out whether It was Jesus or not.

“In all fairness though, it had to be right? I mean, Otherwise why would he think everyone wanted to know his jive fucking opinions.

“Only Jesus would have the fucking nerve.”

In one particularly scintillating sermon on “How To Sort Out The Palestinian/Israeli Conflict Like, Fairly And That” he managed to give 3 people boredom-aneurysms in one 2 minute sentence. A feat which places him squarly at the top of the Dangerously Irritating Bill-Board.

The success in the boredom stakes places him above reigning champion, Dave, the 10^th Incarnation of Buddha, who has held the boredom championship for 7 months after February's speech on “How We're Like All Connected Man”, hospitalised three people and permanently disabled one.

Professional party cynic and curmudgeonly Boredom expert Ted Willis made the following statement: “He wasn't fucking Jesus, He was from Basildon.

“Nice opinions though. Real fucking deep.”

He added, “What people fail to realise is that boring party-goers to death is an extremely dangerous thing to do.

“Regardless of how holy you think you are, keep your opinions to yourself. Someone could get hurt”.

Jesus will be appearing all his week at the Nazareth Apollo. Tickets are available from all good Churches.

George Michael “just loves being a cock”.

George Michael is finding it increasingly hard to plan any night out without it ending in some sort of moronic encounter with the law, sources close the deranged 'singer' say.

The Wham star, famous for his penchant for toilet/policeman combos, is reportedly incapable of making any sort of cogent plan for his night-time activities without it ending with him being “behind the wheel, tripping balls” says a pal of the singer.

“George just doesn't get his thrills from a normal night like he used to” say the source.

“Just the other night I went up to him and was all like 'George, do you want to go down to Hampstead Heath toilets and prowl around for elderly men to suck us off?' ...you know... like any normal person would.

“We'd hardly even finished putting our leather trousers on when he started thumbing through an old copy of Auto Trader whole fiddling around himself and phoning dealers to get his hands on some whacky baccy”

“I'm getting a bit worried.”

The revelations explain somewhat Michael's motivations for ending a night out last month by careening into a branch of Snappy Snaps while, once again, under the influence of cannabis.

The Star, set to appear before magistrates on 24^th August for dangerous driving and possession of Class C drugs, is said to be considering rehab for an increasingly prolific penchant for combining drugs and driving.

East 17's Brian Harvey, a friend of the star and another celebrity with a hilarious tendency for driving while completely off his tits said, “Yeah, George has got a problem, sure. But so what?

“When you've tried all the drugs and that under the sun, sometimes the only way to get a good kick out of life is to get loaded at six in the morning, get into a battered old Cortina and try and run yourself over or whatever.

“He's got my full support in this and all related endeavours”

I'm underpaid

Reading the current scandal that Bez has been convicted of beating his girlfriend, I couldn't help focusing on what is potentially the wrong aspect.



Now, beating up your girlfriend... terrible, sure. Let's be honest though, Bez hasn't really got the best reputation now does he. Not talented enough play an actual instrument in a talentless band, one can only assume that he was there for a) amusement (and when I say this, I mean in the way my friends kept a little fella called Tony who had downs around for) or b) drug contacts. Either way you can't think he's an upstanding member of society. So what do you expect? He's just living up to expectations.

I'll tell you what is really shocking. Allegedly the attack was because she stole £300 off him, the fee paid to him for a show with Domino Bones, the band he currently prances around on stage with, looking like the thalidomide love child of Ian Brown and Peter Crouch. 300 fucking pounds! I know people get paid ridiculous amounts of money for dumb unimportant things, but on the most part it takes at least a little training. Give me 10 minutes on the streets of London and I'll find you somebody who would act twice as mental and 'rave' fifty times as enthusiastically on stage for half this money, if you're lucky he might even smear himself in his own faeces.

So 300 notes to act like a thug who has been at Global Gathering non stop for the last 5 years, and over that time developed a penchant for freebasing Windolene.

That ladies and gentlemen is a true crime.

Police actually do something about touts.

The City of London Police's 'Operation Cyborg' has produced four arrests in what observers are hailing a triumph of “the rule of law over the usual background noise of crime we thought we just had to deal with”.

Police arrested four people connected to ticketing website Gigsport.com last night for the fraudulent sale of tickets to such awful gigs as Roger Waters, U2 and the ever fascinating V festival.

Justice expert Steve McDaily said “This is a landmark case. It appears that the police are finally doing something about ticket touting and, moreover, actually doing some work for a fucking change.

“What's next? Firemen actually putting out fires? Mental”

A spokesman for the City of London Police said, “Yeah, we arrested some people, and what? I suppose you're gonna get me to try and return your VCR now are you?

“Fuck off”

Criminals around London stopped battering single mothers senseless with with their just-stolen consumer electronics as news spread of the newly-active police force.

Mick Daly, an accomplished car jacker from Lewisham said “This is a fucking nightmare. I hope the police know what an inconvenience this is going to be for me. I mean, what am I supposed to do now? Actually try and hide my crimes?

“Shit, I might as well work in telesales”

In other news, Tony Blair fled the country in the small hours of last night muttering something about 'laying low until the heat's off”

A spokesman for the former PM insisted that the plume of smoke seen over his home counties mansion was nothing to do with a last minute document purge and was 'completely, totally innocent”.

Kanye West “still a moron” world concedes.

No matter how hard he tries to act like a well-adjusted, normal member of society, Kanye West is still about as much use as a jelly steering wheel, pretty much everyone in the world agreed last night.

The damning verdict followed news that West, the third richest utter moron in North America after David Lee Roth and the one out of My Two Dads who isn't Charlie Sheen, has turned to twitter “because interviewers were ruining [his] jokes”.

Whether Twitter will enable his usual mix of dog poo jokes and long sprawling yarns that go nowhere will actually work on the micro-blogging site remains to be seen. However, with 600,000 followers already West appears to be planning to utilise the laws of average to his advantage.

A source close to the worryingly unhinged rapper producer said, “If you keep battering large amounts of people with awful, tasteless jokes, eventually someone will mis-read one of them and mistakenly type 'lol' or something.”

“I reckon when that happens he'll probably get bored and go back to his usual routine of howling at the moon and that”

“West has been trying to maintain a public façade of sanity for some years now, but he keeps slipping up” said industry observer Jose Carvelez.

“One day he'll be walking around talking loudly into his clearly switched off phone in an attempt to look like people actually want to talk to him, then the next day he'll be driving his Lincoln Navigator up and down the sunset boulevard literally flinging his own faeces at pensioners

“Clearly the man is a danger to himself and others”

In other news, following last years casual destruction of Mr. Hudson's admittedly tenuous credibility, Kanye West intends to auto-tune Bon Iver's Justin Vernon into “obscurity in yet another hilariously ill-judged foray into 'proper music'.” according to pals of West.

They added, “What a cunt.”

Lady Gaga tragically unharmed after piano-burning stunt backfires.

An attempt by altruistically motivated stage hands to do away with seasoned prostitute Lady Gaga backfired in spectacular fashion yesterday when a burning piano  failed to kill the 'Papparazzi' star.

Completely undeterred by a veritable wall of flame on her piano, Gaga merely shrugged and continued playing, later attributing the blaze to a publicity stunt in honour of her selling some of her god-awful records or something.

The news pretty much ties up speculation that Gaga, 354, is in fact a flame retardant mutant from outer space and not, as some observers had hypothesised, a person.

“You should have seen her playing away on that burning piano”, said one of the crew.

“We were all watching with baited breath, hoping that the heat would melt one of her outer panels or something, and well... fuck me if she didn't just keep on playing.

“Clearly, it's to take a lot more than a flaming piano to stop the fucker”

Speculation flew around the internet last night as to what could actually kill the incredibly annoying pop sensation.

One blogger recommended “Dipping her in a deep fat fryer before coating her in gaffer tape and feeding her to a bunch of starving wolverines”

Another recommended “Filling her full of helium and then taking her out to sea in the hope that the north Atlantic drift would dash her against the coast of Africa”

Meanwhile, Moors murderer Ian Brady insists that he will do away with Gaga upon his release, providing a glimmer of hope to all who long for a world free of the incredibly annoying hermaphrodite

“Something trite and nauseating” by Lady Gaga is available from itunes

Crack dealers eagerly anticipate Libertines reunion.

Crack dealers throughout London were rubbing their hands in greedy glee this week at news that The Libertines are set to perform a warm up show for this years Carling Weekend at the Forum, Kentish Town later this month..

The show will mark the first full performance from the band since Carl Barat kicked bandmate Pete Doherty out of the band for being a foul, drug addled lunatic.

Doherty, London's favourite scumbag is known to insist on a swimming pool of freebase cocaine in every rider, an order which respected North London crack dealer John 'Knuckles' Horace is all to eager to provide.

“Yeah, that Doherty's a sick customer,” he said last night. “And his fans are the nang. I remember last time he played, I had to employ like, five little shits from my ends to do the running and that.”

“They fucking love the crack.”

Meanwhile, rumours abound that Doherty will not actually be performing at all, choosing instead to stay in his Marlborough mansion, gently rocking to and fro and whistling old show tunes to himself.

The performance would, in that case be carried out by a series of midgets, artfully decorated to resemble the notoriously pasty, drug addicted songster.

A friend of the star said last night, “Doherty's been working on the midget thing for months now. I lose track of how much paper maché and that we've gone through. His mansion looks like Jim Henson's workshop. Just with more crack and that. You know.”

He added, “The nutter”.

The libertines play the forum on the 25^th of August. Register at www.thelibertines.com for tickets.

V festival now 'offically shit', insiders admit.

V Festival organisers have completely lost any interest in maintaining credibility sources reveal. This follows news that the corporate-nightmare-dressed-as-a-festival has booked reality TV pipsqueak Peter Andre to play his unique brand of awful, awful pop to the usual mix of bankers, misguided students and lost, elderly ramblers.

Andre, 56, was apparently ferreting in his Buckinghamshire mansion when one of his minions excitedly relayed confirmation of the surprise booking. Having had the news translated into Klingon, which the seriously troubled housewives favourite has reportedly been speaking exclusively for the last three months, he “jumped up, clicked his heels and gone into a sort of jovial jig” according to sources close to the star.

Andre is said to be delighted at the news.

“Pete's not had much good news recently” said a friend of the star. “his favourite ferreting jack Russell recently killed himself after witnessing one of his famous five hour sobbbing sessions, and Jordan keeps sending him pictures of her shoe collection”

“I was starting to worry about his state of mind”

While it's good news for Andre however it's the latest in a long line of calamitous decisions for V festival, now officially the most boring festival in the UK.

“After last years ridiculous decision to employ midgets to wipe VIP's arses and the laughable move to sell only flat cider in all the beer tents we all thought it couldn't get any worse.” said Festival Review's Steve Horace, “This however proves that V has got what it takes to prove to us again and again that that have absolutely no interest in quality, credibility or customer empathy.”

He added “What are you doing for the third week of August? I'm going to be in my garden bashing my head against a brick wall for three days.”

Tickets for V are, unsurprisingly, still available.

Elliott Smith 'not dead enough' claim record company.

Elliott smith will need to be exhumed before record company executives stop flogging his back catalogue of thoughtful, melancholy music, sources close to the folk-corpse have revealed.

Executives at respected Indie label Domino insist that without actually having the corpse of Smith present at every boardroom meeting relating to the fate of his records, they can do “whatever the shitting hell [they] want”.

While this provides some explanation to why they are re-releasing a collection of his more mediocre hits later this year, it does nothing to dispel rumours that all record executives are, in fact, lizard people intent on slowly garrotting the soul out of all music in the name of turning a few cheap bucks.

Rumours that Domino executives in particular are actually 8 foot, blood hungry reptiles were all the rage in the blogosphere earlier last year after it was alleged that the steady stream of hookers seen going into the executives' office were not, in fact for sex, but rather part of an elaborate feeding procedure involving sex workers, blancmange and a large wood chipper.

A spokesman for Domino made the following statement: “Haaaaaahahaahaaaa.. Haahahahahaahahahahahahahha,. Bwaaahhhahahahahaaha hahaha haha. Ha.”

“Where's my hooker gone?”

An introduction to Elliott smith” will be released on the 1^st of November on dead hooker records.