A smattering of London students have received their student loans on time and in full, reports indicate today.
The lucky 35, all from middle class families rich enough to not really need them anyway, are over the moon. This is in sharp contrast to the millions, literally millions, who are doomed to a fortnight of frantic 0845 student loan company phone calls, sweaty late night panic-insomnia nightmares and gnawed finger nails.
"Its outrageous", said Jimmy Bennett, a student of make-up and beauty at The University of East London.
"I've already taken out a loan-shark loan on the student loan and blown the lot on blusher, eyeliner and meth-amphetamines. Now, with no blooy money to pay off the debt it's just a matter of time before Franky the Gun pays me a visit.
"Fucking brilliant.
"Someone's gonna pay for this. Where's Vince Cable? The smug twat."
When asked to comment on the mess, Mr Cable merely stretched, yawned and mutterred something barely coherent about it "not really being [his] problem."
He also pointed out that when the coalition insatalled former BP boss Lord Browne as the head of the student finance review they "pretty much opened to door to any manner of evil, twisted skullduggerry". Adding sleepily that we "really shoudln't be too suprised at any of this this".
Lorde Browne was unavailble for comment. Probably due to him blowing all his newly aquired wealth on iphones for his corgis and some sort of elaborate, swedish made sex-swing.
The cunt.
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