Huge screen used to entice rioters from homes

Police in Birmingham have taken to the streets with a 20-foot screen in the hopes that it will lure rioters back onto the streets and, ultimately, into custody.

The van is used in conjunction with a giant cage which, much like a sheep-pen or rat-trap is used to contain packs of wild poor people as they chase the giant screen through the streets. The lure/trap combination has had remarkable success so far with a staggering 10 track-suited, angry proletarians already in custody for trying to prise the screen from the side of the van with crowbars.

Birmingham resident and theft enthusiast Pete Walford said, “I’ve hardly left the house since I was spotted pinching some snickers from a petrol station on Monday but, well, look at that shit. I’ve got half a mind to grab my screwdriver and get out there.

“It’s massive innit. Imagine how good Call Of Duty would look running through that.”

The screen, currently strapped onto the side on a Mercedes Sprinter in Birmingham’s notoriously crime ridden Moss Side district boasts HD resolution and can reportedly be adapted for use with stolen Xbox’s for around £30.

Birmingham Police have furthered the appeal of the screen to would-be looters by displaying pictures of looters as they drive around the slums of Moss Side. In a move suspected to be an attempt to appeal to the poor’s notorious love for shows such as Big Brother, The Only Way Is Essex and X Factor, the pictures lure would be thieves into thinking they are famous and, as follows such delusions, allowed to get away with anything.

Criminal Psychologist Dane Wolchalski said, “It may seems strange that the mere promise of instant fame would drive a potential rioter to crime, but look at Britain’s Got Talent.

“The show’s whole premise is based on the fact that if you give a moron a little taste of fame they will do outrageous things for the smallest of incentives. All the police have done here is harness that for the sake of entrapment.

“And isn’t that what policing’s all about?

He added, “Probably.”

‘By Jove they’re good at fighting’: Cameron to push for national service.

The rebelling poor of England have taken the spotlight as a potential source of cheap army labour following the recent unrest throughout England.

With much of London, Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool still reeling from the events of the last week, Prime Minister David Cameron is reportedly licking his lips at the prospect of stocking out his beleaguered and overworked army with a fresh supply of fight-happy, violent jihad-fodder.

In a remarkable own-goal for the rioters, many of whom claim to have taken the unrest as an opportunity to vent frustrations at an increasingly malignant and uncaring state, The government is now apparently hell-bent on forcing the youth of Britain into national service- ensuring that our future resource wars will be better manned and, in all likelihood, even rapier than ever.

While many observers have questioned the efficacy of arming a demographic already apparently hell-bent on learning weapons skills and violence in their own spare time, a growing number of people are applauding the move as just the sort of forward-thinking we need to successfully steal the likes of Iran’s oil reserves.

Stockwell-based market trader and part-time racist Paul Hartly said, “Having seen the scale of destruction meted out on the businesses of London by these scruffy, unwashed yobs I can totally see where the sense in these measures lies.

“After all, they’re clearly keen on smashing things, why not put them in amongst the rag-heads?

“It’s two birds one stone innit? Help our boys acquire more oil and keep the ugly face of a divided society neatly out of sight. Sweet.”

Not everyone agrees though. Combat expert Brigadier Horatio Cornbuckle said: “While I can certainly see where Cameron’s coming from here, the army at present does what it can to try and avoid recruiting dangerous sociopaths.

“Now, that’s not to say that we don’t occasionally let a few finger collectors, prisoner molestors or friendly fire enthusiasts through the net but to propose that we start actively targeting lunatics is probably something of a mistake.

“After all, the last thing you want to give someone who loves destruction is a gun. Right?

“That said, maybe the whole ‘hearts and minds’ attitude taken by the top brass has had its day. Mindless brutality, casual arson and blood-curdling violence worked in the days of Genghis Khan and look how succesfull he was.

He added, “Maybe it’s time to start learning from the masters.”

By Kristian Goodchild, kgoodchild@gmail.com