Morons amazed as Marilyn Manson turns out to be a real person

Marilyn Manson has shocked fans and morons alike in a brave move into the world of normal appearance.

For his upcoming appearence in U.S show Eastbound and Down, Manson, real name Brian Warner, has opted against his usual heavy make-up look in favour of au-naturel skin and a big fuck-off mullett.

The move has attracted fierce response throughout the blogosphere with some observers in a state of near panic at the singer's new look.

"Well, I've got to tell you, its all a bit weird really" said FucKthJeWs, real name Guy Rowland, a bible belt hick with hilariously racist tendencies.

"I've been telling my children, Mary-Ann and Guy Junior that Manson shoudln't be listened to on account of him actually being a jew alien.

"This transgretion into the world of not looking like a complete fucking freak has all but ruined that though

"I can only assume that i'm going to have to come up with some other lie to cover up this one"

He added, "Now that's parenting"

The furore over manson's appearance is the latest in a long line of incidents provoked by the strangely androgonous singer which, with very little effort on his part have managed to repeatedly expose the idiocy of the American people.

But then, as curmudgeonly America Studies expert Sam King said yesterday, "If you really need a man in a dress to show you how moronic the yanks are then, well, you've probably got bigger problems than manson haven't you?"

"Why dont you go read a nice book, thicky?"

Dozens thrilled as student loans arrive on time.

A smattering of London students have received their student loans on time and in full, reports indicate today.

The lucky 35, all from middle class families rich enough to not really need them anyway, are over the moon. This is in sharp contrast to the millions, literally millions, who are doomed to a fortnight of frantic 0845 student loan company phone calls, sweaty late night panic-insomnia nightmares and gnawed finger nails.

"Its outrageous", said Jimmy Bennett, a student of make-up and beauty at The University of East London.

"I've already taken out a loan-shark loan on the student loan and blown the lot on blusher, eyeliner and meth-amphetamines. Now, with no blooy money to pay off the debt it's just a matter of time before Franky the Gun pays me a visit.

"Fucking brilliant.

"Someone's gonna pay for this. Where's Vince Cable? The smug twat."

When asked to comment on the mess, Mr Cable merely stretched, yawned and mutterred something barely coherent about it "not really being [his] problem."

He also pointed out that when the coalition insatalled former BP boss Lord Browne as the head of the student finance review they "pretty much opened to door to any manner of evil, twisted skullduggerry". Adding sleepily that we "really shoudln't be too suprised at any of this this".

Lorde Browne was unavailble for comment. Probably due to him blowing all his newly aquired wealth on iphones for his corgis and some sort of elaborate, swedish made sex-swing.

The cunt.

Bono reveals details of his 'charity' accounts.

Ireland's most irritating man, Bono, has finally released financial reports of his pet philanthropic project 'Charity ONE', a half baked scam organisation apparently designed to gleam as much money out the hands of the Inland Revenue and into his greasy pockets.

The U2 singer and massive cunt has proudly announced to the world what a greedy little bastard he really is with details of the incredibly audacious tax dodge. After years of incessent moaning about how music pirates were reducing his income to that of the GDP of Switzerland and being on the forefront of any plan to help him and Lars Ulrich to earn any more money, Bono has recently figured out what scientologists have known all along: If you want to keep your cash away from the clutches of the taxman either form a religion or start a charity.

Bono, or Jesus as he likes to be called by his close friends, went with the charity idea after being informed by esteemed Nazi, the Pope Benedictus XVI that he is not, after all, the fucking messiah.

In 2008 Bono's charity took $14,993,873 in donations from the sort of idiots who still think the 80's was the best decade ever. Of that 14 million a collossal $184,732 was handed out to tramps, drug addicts and Joss Stone. The remainder was presumably used for promotional gifts; designer water bottles $15 bags of cocaine, pamphlets etc.

Oh and only $8Million to pay staff/Bono.

A source close to the star said "Yeah, Bono's been sending me bottles of water and cocaine in the post since 2008. The bastard also had little pamphlets explaining that African children need money or they would die. It was a total buzz kill but at least you could use the paper to snort a line."

Bono has been unavailable for comment due to his humanitarian commitments and we really do hope that his trip to North Korea will end up with us forgetting about him while he rots in a hole eating cockroaches and his own shit..

By Mo Elliot

Mr. Brightside: Brandon Flowers Signs Shock Sally Hansen Deal

Brandon Flowers strikes multi-million cosmetics deal to coincide with the launch of his new solo album, ‘Tango.’

Executives at Sally Hansen, manufacturer of a thick orange fake tan popular with slags and rugby players the world over, are said to have chosen Flowers over contenders Peter Andre and bassist Pete Wentz, of US band Fall Out Boy, due to his fame on both sides of the Atlantic.

Long term rival,

Pete Wentz, is said to be highly emo-tional. For him, this may be the final straw in a feud dating back to 2005, when The Killers lashed out after becoming convinced that their A&R representative was being hogged by the angsty wieners, also signed to label Island Def Jam.

Tango, Brandon’s first solo venture, was released yesterday. Once more, the self-professed poet relies heavily on his Las Vegas roots to boost his lacking cool factor, the album opening with a track originally named ‘Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas’. Much like 50 Cent being shot nine times, if there’s one thing you know about Brandon Flowers it’s that he hails from Las Vegas, Nevada.

Another heavily marketed ‘fact’ about Flowers is that he is a Mormon, albeit famously selective in his adoption of the faith’s countless commandments. His solo album plunders predictably through a list of pious references.

This new deal, exposing his extreme indulgence in vanity, comes as no surprise. The singer’s album sleeve shows him heavily lathered in the terracotta tanning product he endorses, waiting in a hotel room like your average Haringey hooker.

President of the Mormon church, Thomas S. Monson, today launched a scathing attack on the cosmetics giant, branding the newly-signed contract "grotesque". Former bandmates of The Killers have advised the frontman "this no way to take out a hit". Flowers would appear to be caught in the Crossfire.

Another drink "definitely a good idea", booze hound decides.

A local man decided earlier this week that another drink was absolutely definitely a good idea, despite all evidence to the contrary.

At 10 o clock on wednesday, Omar Merouan of Manor House decide that a sixth vodka and coke was defintiely the way to go, despite completely losing all faculties of sight, balance and lucidity.

The drink, he decided, would probably "sort him right out" and, incredibly, might even sober him up.

The phenomena of more alchohol making you less drunk is relatively rare, although there are reports of particularly industrious Russians drinking enough vodka to make them think that they are capable of driving HGV lorries, with hilarious consequences.

Merouan, who insists he does not have a drinking problem, in fact drank at least another 3 drinks before throwing sticky vomit all over his face and bellowing semi-coherent abuse at literally anyone he saw.

The night ended in spectacular fashion with the alchohol crazed lunatic threatening to "fight anyone" before curling up in the foetal position on his friend's floor.

His friend, who cannot be named for legal resons, was furious.

"I was trying to have sex with my girlfirend and suddenly he marched in mumbling something about 'motherfuckers' and 'puching that guy in the face' before collapsing on the floor and snoring loudly.

"Needless to say, sex was out the question."

Rumours abouund that Omar is set to repeat the performance later tonight.

Drug addicts apparently delighted as grunts to be added to dictionary.

London's drug addicts were delighted today wiht news tat their monosylabic, neanderthal grunts are to be added to the new edition of the oxford english dictionary.

Additions such as "ugh" (a casual agreement), ngh, (a disgusted rejection) and bleurgh (a warning of imminent vomitus) are to be officially recognised by the venerable institution from next month in a move which industry insders have branded "foul", "ridiculous" and "clear evidence that the OED have broken their Xbox".

Drug addicts throughout London seemed to be thrilled with the news, although the contorted facial expressions researchers took to mean happiness could well have been some sort of stroke kicking in, admitted Eduardo Rodrigalvarez of the institute of Drug Addict Control.

"It's hard to tell with junkies" said the researcher. "Sometimes you think they're smiling at you but really it's just gas. Or them recollecting a particualry satisfying hit of battery acid or whatever.

"On the whole they seemed pretty happy with the news though. Bless em "

Renowned poet and over-articulator William John Balmer of Some God-awfull town in Scotland, said yesterday "While i can ken their reasons for adding these dubiously succinct words into their compendium of lexiography, i can't see the sense in pandering to a demographic which, lets face it, cant even afford to buy the sun, let alone a dictionary"

"What they should be doing is putting some of the new words i've been inventing into it."

"I've got loads."

The latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary will hit shops later this year.

Winehouse's house 'defintely not a crack den'.

Amy Winehouse is absolutely not the proprietor of a sleazy crack den, sources close to the star have insisted.

The slowly rotting singer has batted off accusations of drug fiendery all week following reports that london's favourite wastrell Pete Doherty is to move into her london hovel. Presumably to freebase Sudafed and crack out of cans of White Ace.

"Amy's clean" said a pal of the singer. "and so is Doherty for that matter, I dont care what you think you saw last night outside the Hawley Arms. Doherty's off the crack"

Meanwhile, Mark Ronson is reportedly still chuckling quietly to himself after Winehouse's claim last week that she had a modicum of creative input into her 2008 album 'Back to Black'.

Ronson has tried all manner of sombre activites to stem the uncontrable laughter following the hilarious claims.

A friend of the producer said yesterday, "Someone needs to get round his house and kill his pets or something. If he keeps this level of luaghter up he's going to do himself a mischief."

"Apparently constant laughter can give you an aneurism. Right?"

Amy Winehouse was unavailable for comment.

Being disgusting now North London's preferred form of contraception.

Being disgusting is now North London's preferred form of contraception, studies have revealed.

With the recession still raging on like a libidinous orangatan, many Londoners are finding it increasingly hard to justify spending their crack and cider money on prophylactics.

London based lothario Gary Battle said yesterday, "If you dont get laid in the first place then you don't need fucking condoms do you? Genius"

"Sex is really easy to avoid if you look a fucking state, dont wash for days on end and flatly refuse to brush your teeth for anyone. By repelling the opposite sex with a heroic lack of personal hygiene I've found that i can basically cut out the middle man, contraception-wise."

Ross O'Toole from the Contraception Research Committee said "While i understand the logic of making yourself so physically despicable that sex is out the question, it's really no substitute for actually protecting yourself"

"However, if it comes down to a packet of fags or a packet of johnnies, im not going to tell you which way to go.

He added, "Puff away stinky, what the fuck do i care?"

Glastonbury Organisers to Profile Potential Revelers

Hippies out as Eavis dictatorship reveals its true colours.

Organisers of legendary music festival, Glastonbury, this month relaunched the U2 headline rumour that threatened to bring the 2010 event to its knees, only to fortify the ploy with an arduous online registration process promising to reject anyone fun on the basis of looks alone.

‘What kind of photos are unacceptable?’ poses the registration webpage, an array of options strewn below. ‘Well, this one, I hope’, one reflects, recoiling in horror at the initial offering (right) only to realise a neon green tick imposed on the offensive image. If that is the calibre of character getting in, I for one am out.

“I’m never going to Glastonbury again” ranted War Bastard guitarist, War Bastard. “Unless I’m playing I don’t give a shit, innit.”

Restrictions are plentiful and resistance is futile. Despite being at the core of the event’s rich history, if the official website is to be believed this year the crusty kind will be shunned. ‘Please do not wear hats, matted hair or anything that covers your face’.

‘Please ensure you have a neutral expression with your mouth closed and eyes open, looking directly at the camera’. Compliance with these standards is clearly not within the capacity of the class of festival-goer we all know and love.

Renowned Glastonbury critic and dickhead, Will Byrne, is outraged. Fresh from a visit to the festival website he fumed “This impenetrable registration process is worse than braving brambles and toothless security guards for two days, although God forbid you might miss Bono again this year. Cunts”.

Tickets go on sale on 3 October. Failure to follow the registration instructions correctly will lead to rejection.

Punks panic as Sex Pistols reveal toiletries range.

Punk fans thoroughout the world were in turmoil today as it was revelaed that the sex pistols are to be endorsing a new range of perfumes, aftershaves and soaps: a move which industry insiders believe may compell fans of the genre to actually wash.

While many have slated the move as just another cynical, money-grabbing attempt to rake in a bit more coin for John Lydon's hair-plug fund, an increasing number of industry observers are specualting that the endorsement may in-fact be an attempt by the band to improve the hygeine of their fans by force.

Johnny Rotten, who famously used to wash his fans with his own magically cleansing spit, is reportedly rubbing his hands with glee at the prospect of looking down at a sea of fans who dont smell of piss, Pernod and black and cheap speed.

A source close to the aging punker said "Johnny's not really got any control of his gag reflex these days, i guess standing in amongst the fitlh of his notroiously grubby fans just doesnt appeal to the poor bloke anymore.

"He's always been pretty pro-active when it comes to sorting out problems... I guess this was just another one of his attmepts to take matters into his own hands."

The news has had mixed responses in the punk world.

Disgustingly unkempt punk fan Seth Darwell, from Rotherham said "I dont know who Lydon thinks he is but no-one- not my mum, not Johnny Thunders, not... well, not bloody no-one, can make me clean.

"Well, alright.. maybe my mum. She has got a delicate touch when it comes to sponge baths though."

John Lydon's toiletries range hits the shops later this year.