“Look! We’re helping!” insist America.

American support for potential presidential candidate Omar Suleiman is based on an altruistic, charitable desire to help the Egyptian people and not a desperate attempt to cling onto power in the increasingly anti-western country, a State Department spokesman insisted today.

Chuck Delaney, from the US office of Dictator Affairs said, “What are you talking about? Suileman is a fair, decent man. How dare you imply that we are trying to install a stooge?

“Fact of the matter is that the guy is a stand-up kinda of dude. The sort of fella you can rely on to provide exemplary health care, human rights conditions and infrastructure reform to a country yelling out for change.”

“And may I reiterate, once and for all, that he is absolutely not a patsy designed to toe our diplomatic line in a transparent attempt to keep getting the billions of military aid we intend to keep pumping into the country.”

“We don’t care one iota if he keeps supporting Israel’s horrific human rights record or backs us up whenever we whine about Iran.” said Delaney, while casually tossing a small, fez-wearing boy into a nearby furnace for warmth.

“All we care about is the welfare of the Eqyptian people.”

“Seriously”

The international community is not convinced however. Middle east reporter Clancy Ritchings said, “It’s pretty amazing that they think they can get away with it really. As head of Egyptian Intelligence, Sulleimen probably has more blood on his hands than any other Egyptian politician, Mubarak included.

“It’s like kicking out Hitler and installing Goebells”.

She added, “Seriously. What the fuck America?”

“But where will we wash?” ask tramps.

The planned closure of 360 of Britains libraries will leave many of the UK’s tramps unwashed, researchers have revealed.

In a study funded by the UK institute of homeless research, pollers found that 90% of the country’s transients will now have to resort to washing themselves in fountains, birdbaths and rivers.

Trampologist Stephen Greaves said, “This is terrible news for the tramps. No longer will they be able to use the disabled toilets as a sort of walk-in washroom. And neither will they be able to read the stocks news on those weird papers with massive planks of wood down the spine, pretending to be some sort of off-duty stockbroker”

“Not that they were fooling anyone mind. Everyone knows stockbrokers only read Nuts and Zoo”

The study also found that the removal of free internet provision at the remaining libraries will lead to pensioners having to take their stupid, obvious questions about email to Mcdonalds and poorly equipped internet cafes.

Racist octogenarian Patsy Smith, of Leighton Buzzard said, “I don’t fancy the prospect of sharing an internet café with minorities and that. And what if theres a man wanking in the booth next to me?

“And who will listen to me complaining about the postal service?”

She added, “This is a nightmare”

The plans for removal of libraries is expected to go ahead regardless though, with the saved money going on buying all the UK’s papers in a desperate attempt to garner some positive press for Nick Clegg.

The move, described as ‘literally the only thing that’s going to save’ the beleaguered Lib-Dem chief’s reputation is the brain-child of disgraced former tory spin-doctor Nick Coulson.

The cunt.

Well-armed police still best route to freedom, insist America

Arming despotic rulers with billions of pounds worth of military armaments, knowing fully well that it will be used by the police to crush internal dissent is still the best way to ensure freedom abroad, a spokesman for the US Defence Department said yesterday.

“Despite the horrific scenes in Cairo apparently proving that this sort of mentality generally leads to mass brutality, atrocities and hellish fury, the US Government remains committed to the arming of allied states.” said the spokesman.

“After all, without basic small armaments, tear gas and giant man traps how on earth are you supposed to police peacefull protests?”

He added, “You’ll thank us later Egypt.”

Meanwhile, with the streets of Cairo apparently escalating towards some sort of murderous rampage, many onlookers were starting to question the efficacy of America’s insistence on arming literally anyone who said they hated Palestine.

A spokesman for the anti-Mubarak movement was unavailable for comment. Mainly because of the sheer amount of brain falling out of his skull.

Military look ‘all the rage’ in Egypt.

Pro-Mubarak supporters have been sporting a dazzling array of cobbled together civilian/military costumes in what outsiders are calling ‘a resurgence of military chic.’

Fashion critic Zsa-Zsa Gibbon called the trend, “a natural return to form for the Egyptian people” who, in her opinion are well overdue a resurgence of the combat look.

“All over Cairo we’re seeing middle aged men with despotic paunches sporting daring combinations of military trousers and TK-Max t-shirts.”

“I think the look they’re going for is the sort of ‘off duty security personnel engaging in brutality’ style… Very NOW, you know”

The trend is certainly gaining pace. All over the cities of Cairo and Alexandria the proliferation of violent men who look just like poorly disguised members of the security services are showing off their looks by going out and liberally beating peaceful protesters.

Pro-Mubarak supporter and sociopathic violence junkie Mustafa Assouk said “We’re really into this look at the moment. I’m not sure exactly what it is about looking like we’ve just finished a shift at the Stasi-esque secret police and then popped down the streets to crack some skulls really….

“Maybe it’s just a season thing… you know how fickle fashion is.”

“Either way, I’m all over it. Look how this cheap t-shirts perfectly accessorises the standard issue pants I’m wearing. Check out how this confiscated hoodie perfectly concerns the billy club in my pocket.

“The look is perfect form meets function”

He added, “Now, where’s my tazer?”

Murdoch to tap lies directly into Britain’s brains by 2012

Hot on the tails of his plans to publish "The Daily" a newspaper exclusively for the iPad, Rupert Murdoch today unveiled plans to pipe hot, steaming lies directly into the frontal lobes of Britain’s morons.

The plan, tentatively named ‘Operation Horror’ will go live later this year and promises to feature all the usual filth you’ve come to expect from News International, but without any of that unpalatable reading that makes it so inaccessible.

A spokesman for News International said earlier today, “We’re not sure exactly what Murdoch’s up to with this one.

“After Myspace you’d have thought that maybe he would have toned down his insistence on trying forays into new media without listening to common sense or, well… you know. His advisers.

“The problem, as we’ve become fiercely aware is that the man has just become too powerful to listen.

“Between you and me, I think he’s been eating the brains of the smaller editors in the organisation. It may well be that all this brain-eating he’s been getting up to is leading to him absorbing their powers, in a fashion similar to Magneto in X-Men.

“One of the rumours flying around the organisation at the moment is that that’s the reason behind his apparent affection for Rebekah Brooks”

“It may seem crazy at first but think about it. Why else would he be so keen on such an obviously horrible woman?”

He added. “ugh”

Operation Horror is pencilled in for a release in August.

Chinese government 'not even trying'

The Chinese government has today come under fire from despot think-tanks for new levels of laziness in their cobbled together, half- arsed propaganda techniques.

The criticism comes after the Wall Street Journal leaked footage of a promotional/propaganda video showcasing the Chinese military’s air superiority.

The video, shown by puppet media outlet CCTV on behalf of their political overlords, the CCP, shows a shot of the new J-10 fighter jet firing a missile, closely followed by a shot from the final scene in Top Gun of a fighter jet exploding.

Clearly designed to show the J-10's ability to retrospectively blow up Hollywood props, or something, the video has been panned as the latest in a long line of new lows for the increasingly sloppy propaganda wing of the Chinese Communist Party.

A spokemsan for the CCP said yesterday, “What? How dare you.

He added, “I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”


Check it out: unbelievable

Military industrial complex furious at relative lack of shots fired in Egypt.

Representatives of the American military-industrial complex are openly fuming at news from Cairo that demonstrators are clashing in a low-tech, un-armed fashion.

Having invested millions in ensuring any civil disturbances are carried out, quickly, efficiently and with maximum bloodshed, members of the arms trade are reportedly furious at their rudimentary combat strategy.

The United Nations report that 300 people have died in the protests on the streets of Cairo and Alexandria, a statistic that Lockheed-Martin spokesman Giles Peterson condemned yesterday as “absolutely unacceptable”

“We at Lockheed-Martin are uniformly disgusted at the proliferation of fist-fights and whatnot on the streets of Cairo

“Anyone would think that we hadn’t spent millions on getting the Egyptians armed to the teeth with howlitzers, guns, ankle cuffs and whatnot.

“You know what I saw on the fucking news today? People running into the riots with knives on fucking sticks.

“Needless to say, I pretty much vomited all over my laptop in disgust.”

Meanwhile, President Mubarak remains the de-facto leader of Egypt despite the presence of millions of demonstrators calling for his immediate abdication.

A spokesman for the president said yesterday, “I don’t understand what the problem is. Mubarak is a superb leader.

“30 years of doing exactly what the Americans want is quite an impressive feat as far as I’m concerned.

“What’s the big deal?”

The conflict in Cairo continues.