New music carnage: Brother, 'Darling Buds of May'

With all the gusto, arrogance and swagger of a gallagher cock fight, a hearty dose of brit pop nostalgia and a shot of lad rock resurgence, Brother look set to get the boys at NME all aroused and whatnot over the next few months.

The video for Darling Buds of May has got 'Supersonic' written all over it. Fitting then considering pretty much every music hack in london seems to be wanking over them this week, touting them as the next Oasis etc.

And justifiably so, they sem to have the ingredients to go the distance... Not least for the particularly impressive distance they get on that guitar fling... some of the finest pseudo rock n' roll poncery we've seen since the Towers of London's notorious 'Thanks for the beer mate' vid.

Seriously... Look at that distance. Proper rock star shit that.

Yeah.

Well, either way, pretty impressive stuff considering they're from Slough, still literally the worst place in South East England.

So.. all in all, good work chaps. a year or so of being Radio 1's bitches awaits.

Londoners ‘still trying’ to care about athletics.

Polls yesterday revealed that 70% of Londoners are still managing to keep up the pretense of actually caring about athletics.

30% of men and 35% of women told pollsters that they would like the Olympic stadium to continue to be used for athletics after the 2012 games have finished and a staggering 70% of people lied through their teeth in saying they would watch athletics even if the Olympics weren’t being held in the city.

Statistician Gary Holmes said yesterday, “We shouldn’t get too excited about these results- Londoners have a fine and rich history of lying to themselves about matters like this.

“What they apparently fail to realize is that we already have two perfectly good stadiums at Wembley and Crystal Palace and, well, lets face it. No-one ever fucking goes to them do they?”

“What’s astounding is the fact that they apparently think that the games will change that, despite the obvious truth that the minute the games end, they’ll all go back to their lives of masturbation, alcoholism and casual racism.”

Meanwhile, Football clubs all over the city were eyeing the soon to be derelict stadium like tramps inspecting a bit of rotten meat, licking their lips and salivating wildly at the prospect of occupying a hideously unsuitable stadium for their sloppy brand of football.

Tottenham in particular are apparently quite keen to take over the property in a move that outsiders are calling “just mental”.

A spokesman for spurs was unavailable for comment.

Retro Carnage: David Bowie, ‘Uncle Arthur’

About as far as you can get form the sort of stuff that made Bowie the legend he is, ‘Uncle Arthur’ is a pretty close approximation to the sound of a lunatic trying to be a senile geriatric.

Weird stuff. Still, interesting listening if only to see where it all began, so to speak.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUBUl4yZ0Eg

'Official Being a Dickhead's Cool Party' called off amid grave fears for misled youths

In an shocking turnaround, makers of the viral 'Being a Dickhead's Cool' video this week called on idiots to assemble at a predictable 'secret east london venue' on 10 February 2011.

In a reckless act of greed the makers cast away their only redeeming shred of irony, urging shameless, Mac-wielding wimps everywhere to convene at this pitiful affair.

Organisers, 'The Grand Spectacular', stabbed their sorry following in the back, stating on the event page 'You tried to pretend it wasn't about you. Now it's time to party because let's be honest, we all love our lives as dickheads'.

"They have the neck to charge £20 entry, or £5 for those dressed like dickheads, whilst offering nothing more than a few pitiful cunts playing 'vegan crunk' exclaimed one reformed 'hipster'.

Police psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw, explained state concerns, "we've been assessing the movement for some time. The thing is, if these morons do get involved their heads will almost certainly explode. The mind-blowing irony of immersing themselves in the very scene they take pride in detesting is likely to be lethal. They're cunts, but we were obliged, by duty of care or some shit, to intervene."

It emerged that dickhead drones have, in their desperation, been volunteering to a little-known clinical research programme. Sources reveal that tests have been taking place at a London rehabilitation centre for months.

"When Alex Zane came in he was a mess. He got through the first step - admitting he had a problem - but there was a holy fucking shitstorm when we suggested he change out of his gaudy leggings."

Police fear the facebook-organised event, boasting over 1,100 'attending', may take place despite their intervention. Attend at your peril, dickheads.

Steve Trushaden's TV carnage: Gypsy Grabbing

Earlier this week on Channel 4’s ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ I witnessed a prime example of under-dressed females putting themselves in a horrible, exploitative, and somewhat inevitable situation.

The programme was a sheer joy to watch, humorous and informative. The ultimate highlight coming when we were given a unique insight into the art of ‘grabbing’: basically a gentleman man-handling a female, physically forcing her into an inescapable situation then pressuring her into giving sexual favours.

The program appeared to pose the question ‘are the gypsy race so unable to grasp the task of wooing the female species that they found it necessary to dress up what is basically sexual harassment bordering rape and then give it a less shocking name to make it appear to be some sort of game?’

It’s a mystery we haven’t been informed of the grabbing game earlier.

You have to ask yourself is ‘grabbing a spout of pure insanity or pure genius?’

However the ‘grabbing’ game does have rules, it’s not like anyone can go about ‘grabbing’ anyone. Ideally the victim has to be a female of gypsy heritage and aware of the ‘grabbing’ game and it’s rules.

The bizarre thing about the programme was that the girls were obviously aware they were going to be victims of the ‘grab’ and got together before the reception to hold a conference to remind each other of the dangers involved and what to do when placed under a ‘grab’. So it was utterly baffling that despite anticipating this ordeal that when the eager, seemingly intoxicated
gypsy boy ‘grabbed’ one of the girls they all panicked and were reduced to tears.

If the whole ordeal is always too much for them, why don’t they dress themselves in less sexually suggestive apparel? Wearing a belt as a skirt and gyrating your arse on the dance floor a few zeters in front of a potential ‘grabber’ is not the most sensible thing to do. You don’t see the young ‘grabber’ eyeing up granny smith, wearing a frilly blouse sitting quietly in the corner tucking into a scotch egg.

Watching this you couldn’t blame the average male from having thoughts of wandering the streets with an intention of pouncing on the first posse of under-dressed females he saw, frisking them and if anyone intervened simply blame it on the ‘grab’.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, the media go and package rape as a game and get away with it.

Where's Mary fucking Whitehouse when you need her?

Eye on the web: Artur Boruc's Friday Rage List.

"AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:"


This is the sort of opening gambit we'd like to see more of.


http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/dirty-tackle/post/Artur-Boruc-s-Friday-Rage-List?urn=sow-310741

New music Carnage: Jessie J, 'Do it Like a Dude'

Jessie can do it like the mandem apparantly.

This tune- which the BBC is already apparently heralding as the best thing since... well i dont fucking know... Lady Gaga i suppose- is the sort of thing that will have every Yates, Chicago Rock cafe and Wetherspoons in the country masturbating feverishly, salivating at the prospect of a bunch of drunk, sugar rushing teenagers downing shots of sticky syrup while miming along to the ridiculously sophomoric, moronic lyrics.

Shithouse pop by numbers, not even nearly worth the hype.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOf3kYtwASo&feature=player_embedded

Modestep release literally the worst song ever.

“Your face, your face, your face. Your fucking face. Your faaace”.

This is what hell sounds like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3r26y--evIw

New music carnage: The Decemberists, 'Rox in the Box'

A solid offering from the Decemberists here. Rox in the Box marks a decided departure from their experimental concept album ‘Hazards of Love’ by returning to their roots of solid, punchy, story infused folk.

Always good for a bit of winter/spring listening, The Decemberists seem to be onto something of a chilly winner with this, and indeed with their new album ‘The King is Dead’.

Well worth a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Waz7PMZHeg&feature=related

New music carnage: Lykke Li, ‘I Follow River'.

Lykke Li’s new effort is something of a departure form her previous form: retro sounding synths give her vocals a sparse 80’s backdrop while clanking toms jut out from the tune in an alarming style.

It works though, Her voice is evolving and her sound is following suit.

Good shit then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_HnkwzbAIk&feature=player_embedded

"Yeah, and what?" agrees coalition.

The coalition Government last night secured a vote of confidence for their controversial “What the fuck are you going to do about it?” Bill.

The bill, designed to end the provision of financial support for teenagers in education through the scrapping of the Education Maintenance Allowance (EMA), won the support of some 317 MPs in a tense evening voting session.

The coalition apparently spent the best part of the voting session sipping virgins’ blood out of diamond shoes in a brazen display of hostility to the denizens of students huddled around placards in Parliament Square, according to Downing street insiders.

"You should have seen the state of them", said the insider. "Vince Cable was the worst. He just kept banging on about how much he hated clever children and then muttering gibberish about eating books.

"The nutter"

Michael Gove reinforced the success of the Bill, which has been criticized as a shallow, transparent attempt to remove the working classes from our nation’s schools, by reciting a Latin satanic invocation, which observers have speculated may be a sign of the impending End Of Days.

Parliamentary commentator Ezekiel Solomon said, “The tendency of the coalition government to use satanic invocations is worrying and, apparently, increasingly prevalent.

“While I understand that in these hard times it may be necessary to ‘think outside the box’, so to speak, I think calling on the prince of darkness to incite the apocalypse may be a bridge too far”

“But then what do I know? Its not like I’ve got to deal with that fucking cunt Clegg is it? Chances are they’re getting a little desperate.”

In closing the voting session, David Cameron took the unprecedented move of omitting a traditional. word-based speech altogether in favour of just laughing maniacally for a minute or two while stabbing a voodoo doll of NUS President Aaron Porter.

...

As the evening progressed the mood outside parliament declined markedly.

The sang froid appeared to be provoked not only by the passing of the bill but also at the perceived impotence of their protest tactics, most of which seemed to revolve around playing loud dubstep on rudimentary party P.A. systems and, in the words of one organiser, “Just sort of dancing around a bit.”

Joshua Chalfon, one of the protest movement’s spokesmen said yesterday, “I don’t really understand how this failed to garner a positive response from the politicians.

“We were blazing some Caspa for a bit, and then some N-type, then, when the vote came to pass, we upped our game and went for a bit of minimal techno...You know, to show the MPS who’s boss and that.”

“And yet, incredibly, nothing.

“Anyone would think that Cameron’s not affected by the awesome power of fresh urban beats or something.”

Rumours that the apparent failure of the tactics will lead to the organisers rethinking their protest strategy are as yet unconfirmed.

However, Mr. Chalfon confirmed that he had “Put together a sick speed garage playlist on Spotify” that he may or may not be planning to play at David Cameron, day in day out for the next 30 weeks or so.

David Cameron was unavailable for comment.

Research shows England to be exclusively populated by Clarkson by 2100

Scientists have revealed shocking evidence that the England of the future will consist purely of hashed together clones of TV’s Jeremy Clarkson.

The culmination of years of research into likely outcomes of the nation’s apparently unstoppable moral decline reveals that Jeremy Clarkson will have populated all of Kent with small versions of himself by 2050.

By 2100 the plague will have completely dominated the entire British Isles in a tour de force attributed largely to Clarkson’s notorious passions for cloning and totalitarian rule.

The four-foot Clarkson clones, or ‘Mini-Clarksons’ as the media has dubbed them, pose an even bigger threat to our wellbeing than paedophiles, terrorists and the Zombie Diana, according to Mail Columnist Jan Moir.

A friend of the controversial homophobe said last night, “Yeah, Jan’s pretty worried about the Clarkson situation.

“I mean, while Clarkson, the singular Clarkson that is, is fine for dinner parties and lynching, can you imagine a whole country full of him?

“It’s going to be a fucking nightmare. You wont be able to move for recently shed hair and poorly built toupees. And the parking situation’s going to be diabolical.

“But then again, as Jan said last night at the local white supremacist meeting, at least there won’t be any immigrants.”

“So… you know…. Every cloud.”

Jan Moir and Clarkson’s book, “Dealing with the minorities” is out later this year.

New CNN scapegoat deal welcomed by Americans, Morgan.

America rejoiced en masse today at news of a shiny new Brit at whom to direct their red hot, anti-British ire.

Hot on the footseps of America's whipping-boy-du-jour Tony Hayward, comes our very own press maggot Piers Morgan.

Morgan, keen to take the hate-baton from the disgraced former BP chief, is apprantly chomping at the bit to break the American chat show market in his new role as head of CNN's primetime show, previously hosted by chat show heavyweight Larry King.

Fully on course for just the sort of success that the American people are going to take to like a catholic minister to a fully developed woman, he is, by all accounts positively relishing the hatred.

A source close to the star said last night, "Oh yeah, Piers is all over this one. The fucker seems to just love people burning effigies of him and whatnot, so this new role will fit him like a fucking glove.

"He was telling me last night, 'I fucking hate the yanks and, with god's will, they will fucking hate me before long'

"Now, im not saying that this is necessarily a healthy outlook but... shit, he's really stuck to his guns on the whole world-baiting thing.

"If nothing else at least he's consistent."

The hatred of the american people looks set to be even more special in the wake of Ricky Gervais' controversial speech at the Golden Globe ceremony last night in which the podgy funnyman managed to alienate prety much every single easy target celebrity in the packed auditorium in one fell swoop.

"Gervais aint shit on our Piers" said the source though.

" You wait... the rate he's going at the moment he'll be dead by Easter."

...

In other news, rumours that Piers has been in secret coaching with the UK's latest Most Irritating Man 'Lee Nelson' are as yet unfounded.

However, the pal of Morgan did confirm that Nelson is 'a massive cunt' and that we 'shouldnt rule anything out', essentially confirming that even if they aren't in cahoots, they are at least both utter, utter cunts.

Piers Morgan's CNN show premiers tonight.

Steve Trushaden's fashion carnage.

My Man Bag

The man bag has seen its fair share of criticism of late and based on my experience I feel a personal responsibility to fight its corner.

Gone are my days of rummaging through the infinite pockets of my outfit, desperately trying to find the various possessions I’ve assigned to each one. Money – johnny pocket, passport – inside jacket pocket, Oyster card – breast pocket, and so on. Amongst all of this confusion I would forget which pockets the items were meant to be in and, in some cases, forget what I was looking for altogether.

I was setting myself up for failure. It was impossible for me to go out for an evening and wake up with everything I left the house with. It was as if I was being stalked by a black hole. The number of phones, Oyster cards, I.D. cards I was going through on a monthly basis was no longer acceptable, it was hitting me where it hurt most - the wallet. If I woke up with a wallet to hit. Little did I know the solution was right round the corner.

It was a Saturday morning and I was reliving the previous night's debauchery over a fry up with my friend Yolanda at a local greasy spoon café. Minus my cash card and passport.

The previous night had been legendary but the loss of my essential possessions put a downer on the whole occasion. Yolanda understood and pointed out that she, and the whole female race, simply carry a ‘handbag’.

I thought about it, but a handbag wasn’t really me. Not my style. Not even a ‘Chloé’.

I was worried that, despite our history, Yolanda had gotten me all wrong. I felt the need to explain what side of the fence I was on, but that wasn’t what she was getting at. We finished our breakfast, paid for by Yolanda due to my absent cash card, and she marched me to JD Sports where she introduced me to revolution that is the ‘man bag’.

At first I was dubious, slightly offended even. Had my problem of losing things escalated such that I needed to walk around with a handbag? All of my friends would ridicule me, I'd be a laughing stock. Yolanda assured me this wasn’t the case. This was the answer to all of my problems. In a towering display of self-righteousness, she grabbed the first one that caught my eye and stormed to the counter, man bag in one hand, handbag in the other.

Clearly, I was to have no choice in the matter.

Once purchased, we sat on a bench outside the shop where she made me empty my every godforsaken pocket until all I had left was in the bag. “Now all you have to do” she said, “is make sure that you don’t lose the bag!” I knew this could go either way.

On the one hand, if I lost the bag I'd lose everything.... but on the other, I now only had one thing, not twenty, not ten - just one thing I had to remember. A weight was lifted from my shoulders, and an even bigger space freed up in my brain. I couldn’t thank Yolanda enough. I didn’t care what my friends thought, what the public would think, things were better than I could ever have wished.

My plague of misplacement is now in the past. I still lose the occasional phone or Oyster card, but it’s nothing like it was. Now I pity the guy next to me on the sofa rummaging through his twenty pockets, desperately trying to find his wallet. Accusing everyone of stealing it, getting himself in a paranoid mess, for it’s so easily avoided.

So, god bless the man bag. May every man make it a necessity to own one, regardless of whether it’s ‘in’ or ‘out’ this season. It’s not a fashion accessory, it’s an essential in today’s modern jungle.

Shagging, doing drugs and whining ‘only part of our strategy’ claim eco-warriors.

The activist networks recently infiltrated by renegade cop Mark Kennedy 'do not just consist of a bunch of rag tag hippies with nothing better to do than get high, complain about power stations and shag and that', according to sources close to the eco-warrior leadership.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, the source also denies claims that the girls who entice male activists to protests- often in far flung regions of the UK and beyond- are not just drug addled sluts.

In fact, we have been told, they are incredibly hard working members of society and a vital functioning part of society.

"These girls perform a vital function in enticing other hippies to these camps and whatnot' said the source.

"And lets face it, without the prospect of a bit of nookie no-one would sign up to sit outside a power station for 72 hours, complaining and drinking weak tea

"Not when we could be back at home, wanking over pictures of Mark Thomas and discussing how much better a job we could do of running the country."

The revelations, which will presumably be ignored by anyone with a modicum of common sense, come hot on the tail of news that Mark Kennedy, nee Stone, shagged some welsh bird and, by all accounts, really enjoyed his brief stint as a professional JCB botherer.

More revelations into the utter mundanity of Stone's existence and the overrated importance of the eco-warrior movement are expected to be big news for some time. Pretty much every media outlet has announced plans to bludgeon the nation over head with literally anything vaguely related to the sorry mess until around about 2012.

Media observer Hans Bleakman said, "So that's good

He added, "Anyone fancy entering into some sot of suicide pact?"

Band of Romford based vigilantes plan to ' fight crime with pies'

A roughly assembled troupe of caped crusaders has announced plans to battle the forces of evil in Essex this week after publishing a manifesto pledging to tackle 'asbos, single mothers and that' with an assortment of revolutionary crime-fighting techniques.

The move is apparantly a reaction to news from Seattle, US that a troupe of similarly inspired and comparably ill-prepared gang of lunatics has undertaken a similar ambition, with hilariously poor results.

In the hastily drawn up manifesto, written largely on torn up scraps of emabassy cigarette packets, the gang of enterprising do-gooders have spelled out, in painfull detail, their plans for the streets of romford.

Techniques such as pie flinging, impromptu hangings of homosexuals and imigrants and a renewed focus on baiting 'the coloureds down the road' will go hand in hand with an increased commitment to increasing the low level hostility for so long cherished in the darker depths of Essex.

A press conference to promote the activities of the five brave young bigot-cum-heroes has been provisionally arranged for the function room out the back of the Dog and Duck, Romford high street.

'Anyone's welcome to come' states self-professed leader of the gang , John 'Knuckles' Smith, on thier endearingly amatueurish website.

'...Providing they're not... you know... darkies and that.

'And no Jews, obviously. but then, i reckon that sort of goes without saying.

'Oh, and no gays, blacks, hispanics, women, dogs or unemployed.'

'In fact... well, no one but us, the press and the bird from behind the bar with the huge knockers.

He added, in an aside to a nearby Spaniard, 'No offence Paulo... you understand though right?'.

Coalition government announce 'rainbow' tax.

David Cameron today announced a proposed 'Rainbow Tax', designed to limit the enjoyment of rainbows to a manageable level.

In a move predicted to inflame the ire of hippies throughout the country, the move contains proposals for a 20% tax on all rainbow enjoyment and a 'super-tax' bracket for the sort so of hippies who stare at rainbows more than once a month.

The tax will be levied some time around early summer, probably around the date of the summer solstice in a move hailed by tory observers as 'just the sort of genius move that'll wind up those greasy, fucking tie-dye wearing scumbags'

Meanwhile, rumours abound in Westminster about influence from corporate lobby bodies into the execution of the legislation. BP, Shell, Lockheed Martin and British Aerospace are all being touted as potential influences on the move.

Government commentator Chris Branff said 'just what the companies in question have to gain from baiting the great unwashed in this fashion appears to be somewhat unclear.

'It’s no secret that the upper echelons of the Big Oil companies have a seething hatred for all manner of hippy, maybe its got something to do with that

He added, 'But then maybe they’re just being evil for the sheer bloody fuck of it. Wouldn't put it past them'

A spokesman for David Cameron denied the claims of corporate influence outright however, saying, 'Its absurd to think that we'd listen to Big Oil et. al. over the electorate.'

'Our commitment to democracy, accountability and transparency are unfaltering and resolute.

'To suggest that we'd change our policy just because a suited megalomaniac stuffs a wad of grubby notes into our greedy pockets is just absurd.

'That said though, if you do fancy a bit of a policy shift, i do like yachts.

'Just saying'

Julian Assange to release range of cosmetic products.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is to release a range of cosmetics based loosely around his experiences in the world of political dilly-dallying.

In a dramatic shift away from his current position as pariah enemy of the American people, the controversial Australian looks set to wow the cosmetics world with a range of toiletries pencilled in for release through anarchist bookshops throughout Europe.

With products such as ‘Military Leak Eau De Toilette’, ‘American PigDog Room fragrance’ and ‘Power Abuse Talc’ the range looks set to satisfy both the notoriously unwashed conspiracy theorist community and the typically fancy modern ‘metrosexual’ demographic.

A source close to the maverick journalist said yesterday, ‘Julian’s really struggling to come up with money ideas these days. Ever since the American Government started plotting to do him over he’s been increasingly worried about his dwindling cashflow.

‘Poorly constructed condoms don’t come cheap and he seems to be going through about 20 a day at the moment. Toiletries, for some fucking reason, seemed to be the only feasible option.’

‘I tried to tell him to just sticking to releasing his book and whatnot but he was all like ‘Nah man, toiletries are the way forward. I want my minions to be smelling sweet fam, ya get me?’

He added, gazing wistfully into the horizon, ‘And he used to be such a nice boy…’

One man who reportedly won’t be buying the range, which is rumoured to include a ‘military industrial complex bath bomb’ is Senator Joe Lieberman, the American Independent Politician who has been rasping himself hoarse baying for Assanges blood in recent weeks.

The Senator for Connecticut is said to be releasing his own range of cosmetic products modeled around the loose concepts of conformity, fear and smelling a bit like a builder in a bizarre tit-for tat move that has surprised literally no-one close to the notoriously unhinged 68 old.

‘Lieberman’s always getting his back up like this’, said a pal of the venerable statesman.

‘Last week his postman forgot to lift that little flag on his mailbox and he ran out into the street, quick as a whip, threatening to lift the poor bastard’s scalp in retaliation’

‘The general consensus around Washington these days is that he’s fucking lost it’

The ‘Laboratoires Assange For Men’ range is set to hit the shops later this year, provided of course that Mr. Assange doesn’t have an unexplained unfortunate accident of some sort in the coming weeks.