Media in frenzy over Yeates crisp wrapper.

A crisp wrapper that allegedly once belonged to murdered girl Karen Yeates has been the centre of a media shitstorm today after police confirmed that they believe the tragic 25 year old may have at some point eaten it's contents.

A spokesman for the metropolitan police said this morning, "We can confirm that we are investigating the late contents of the crisp packet. From the colour and brand, green and walkers respectively, we can only assume that it was salt and vinegar. However, there is a possibility that it is an old 'smiths' packet masquerading as a walkers, in which case maybe cheese and onion?

'Frankly, I’m not even sure what my job is anymore.'

The furore over the crisp packet is the latest in a long line of intensive investigations into pretty much nothing at all. Earlier this week police were puzzled over Yeates' presence at an off licence, and earlier this week there was speculation that Yeates may, at one point or another, bought a pizza. or something.

Police commentator, Clancy Disraeli said 'Just what the police think they're going to gleam from this crisp packet investigation, i don't know'

'The media are all over it though. Presumably, despite the Wiki leaks thing still going on, a massive fuck-off flood/forest fire combo potentially wreaking havok in Australia and New years eve happening literally tonight, they feel that its a bit of a slow news period.

'The fucking idiots.'

'The Sun' apologise for publishing actual news.

Popular comic 'The Sun' has issued a public apology for a story it ran earlier this month which reportedly, inexplicably, may have contained 'a grain of truth'.

In a story about some otters in early december, The Sun ommited to fabricate a single fact, embellish any quotes or include any lazy stereotypes- in clear contravention of it's strict code of conduct.

Media observer Tom Grunick thinks this may be the begining of the end for Britains favourite peddler of celebrity tittle tattle and outright racist hostility,

He said, 'I can't see how The Sun is ever going to live this down.

''It's one thing to wire-tap people on the off chance that you might be able to piece together a lurid, half baked story about their boring private life but this? actually telling the truth?

'Well, for one thing the readership isn't going to stand for it. They're very strict about the amount of reality they allow themselves. As soon as word gets out that the drones at The Sun are slipping the truth into their usual diet of paedophiles, tits and football it'll be game over.'

The shocking revelations finish off a particularly troubling month for the nation's red-tops. On December 12th The Daily Sport published a story about a rape wihtout making any effort towards turning it into some sort of demented ecercise in titilation, a move which attracted imediate uproar.

Then, on December 17th, The Mirror's 3am girls were caught in a club in North London without any crack, smack, ketamine or glue to their name.

'Needless to say, This is all very troubling.' says Grunick.

'What's next? the Mail employing a black woman?'

Flu outbreak to mutate into 'zombie virus' by February.

The ever-escalating controversy over the spread of the H1N1 flu virus continued this morning as experts predicted that the virus is likely to 'go nuclear' within a month.

Experts predict that a rogue mutation, similar to the one responsible for the bird flu pandemic last year will be responsible for the new virus, which looks set to increase the number of shopping mall/shotgun capers by 5000% this spring.

Dr Neil Frazer, Government adviser on diseases and outbreaks said in a statement yesterday, 'The question of the flu virus turning people into flesh-hungry zombies is no longer a case of 'if' but 'when'.'

'We saw it happen with bird flu... Random mutations led to new strains. This will be much the same, albeit with a bit more flesh-eating.

'Look, i dont want to alarm you but it's going to happen. You might as well stock up on shotguns and tinned food now, it's zombie apocalypse time alright'

The statement will no doubt raise further questions about the eficacy of the government's decision to recruit its advisers from street corners, crack houses and soup kitchens, a move justified by the government as 'necessary cost-cuttting'.

David Cameron was unavailable for comment.

New Elbow song predictably awesome

Well, no surprise here...

'Lippy Kids', from the upcoming album 'Build a Rocket Boys' is incredible.

Beautifully measured, deliciously spaced, the soaring melodies of Guy Garvey's epic vocals mesh perfectly with the superbly layered music.

Lyrically it comes across like some sort of scathing criticism of lackadaisical youthfull rebellion, musically it sounds like a dreary, drugged up wander through a winter's dream... inspired.

Check the link up there and see a live performance from Bueprint Studios earlier this month.

'Build a Rocket Boys' is out on March 7th.

Hanging, lynch mobs and mass deportations heralded as ‘the future’ by coalition.

The public consultation proposals set forth by the government today will lead to the country being run by ‘the crazy, crazy public’ according to whistleblowers.

The moves, which aim to submit any popular petition posted on direct.gov.uk as a draft bill, have been criticized as ‘X factor Governance’ by observers.

And with half the country only just being aware what a newspaper is, and the other half pretty much believing everything the daily mail screams at them, the moves look certain to condemn the country to a future of endless debates about paedophiles and Simon Cowell: A disaster which the coalition government appears to be welcoming with open arms.

‘Yeah, basically we’ve lost the plot’ said a government minister yesterday.

‘It was either let the public come up with policy advice for us or, face up to the fact that we are too insane to do our own fucking jobs, and we can’t have that can we?

He added, ‘ Are you going to eat that sandwich?’

Dangerous Racists like xenophobic taxi driver Seth Ryan seem to support the move however.

‘Anything that gives me a platform for my deranged views on literally anything can only be a good move', he said, in between hurling garbled abuse at single mothers from the drivers seat of his black cab.

‘After all, it’s us normal, god-fearing, racist people who make this country great. Why shouldn’t we have a voice in policy-making?’

Government observer Randle Mcmurphy said yesterday, ‘While i can appreciate that the government has to inovate to garner support in these trying times, this moves smacks of desperation.

‘What’s next? Asking the fucking French?’

He added, ‘Fuck it, I’m moving to Burma. Say what you like about the Junta, at least they know how to run a fucking country.’

Self control ‘next to go’ in austerity cuts.

Self control, moderation and common decency are all expected to be next in line for cuts in a range of new austerity measures planned for 2011, according to Government sources.

With the economy in tatters and people apparently increasingly unable to look after themselves anymore the proposals are being heralded by government observers as ‘the next logical step in a series of moves designed to slowly erode the moral constitution of an already disgusting country.’

The source of the cuts appears to be the office of government jester Vince Cable who is apparently attempting to consolidate his laughable position through increasingly bizarre policy moves.

Michael Emerson, moral adviser to the previous government said, ‘This sort of move is only to be expected.

‘The government simply cannot be expected to keep funding outdated concepts like self control. They are anachronistic hangovers to a bygone era.

‘While we’re at it what about generosity, social awareness and compassion?

‘I’m sure we could do without fucking compassion’

London based scumbag Andrew Clark said yesterday ‘I’m not really too bothered about it all to be honest. I’ve never really had much truck for self control anyway. Why just yesterday i drank non-stop for 12 hours, then woke up my entire family by tripping over the cat and shouting loudly at Match Of The Day.’

‘Any move to increase this sort of cavalier behaviour can only be a good thing’

He added, ‘Now, where’s my fucking meths?’

Review: silent night 1.. December 2010

It's never easy to run a quiescent night in a warehouse. Especially when that warehouse operates in a scene notorious for it's deranged debauchery, insane penchant for excess and ridiculous three day benders.

However, that is exactly what ambitious visionaries ‘BattleandDonen Present’ are attempting with their clandestine acoustic revue, ‘Silent Night’.

Invitation is limited to a select few: the list has been carefully (and somewhat controversially) trimmed to exclude the undesirables who generally turn these sort of functions into carnivals of sin...

And with some success. There are inevitable interruptions from the more rambunctious elements in the crowd. The nervous, bordeline-paranoid authority of the organisers soon puts a stop to that though.

These acts need silence after all. With no amplification in a room of a hundred people the slightest murmur is a massive hindrance to what gradually, as things progress, looks to be shaping up to be something very special indeed.

….

With a style reminiscent of Nick Drake and a somewhat crazed insistence that relentlessly draws in the audience, Adam Donen's success on stage befits the man who, along with cohort Gary Battle, put this night together.

Tonight is not just about Donen though, as his relatively short spell on stage attests. The spotlight tonight is reserved for the acts the fledgling promotion team have put together...

Orlando Seale is the first big highlight of the night. His thoughtful, soaring compositions and almost bukowski-esque lyrics of romanticism in the blight of London are in equal parts inspiring and intimidating. As is his somewhat insane glare between songs...

Seale looks every part the wild-eyed zealot. Rightly so though.. with a little honing he could become a major talent for 2011.

Similarly, Lucy Rose looks set to rise to prominence in the coming months. Her captivating, deeply personal lyrics draw the audience in with a power that defies the delicacy and intimacy of her delivery.

Finally, a show stopping performance from the always excellent Milly Blue rounds proceedings off in classy style.Her insightful, cutting lyrics and measured delivery enthralling the audience, as ever.The standing ovation that punctuated her performance was more than justified.

...

With more shows planned for next year this night looks set to make a real mark on the event calender of 2011. Check it out... if you can find it.

Downing street snack-baby cache at all time low after Christmas feast spirals out of control.

The snack-baby reserves held at Downing Street have reached an all time low this morning, after the traditional festival of pagan worship, infant burger-eating and outright, satanic ritual was pounced upon by an over-enthusiastic coalition government.

Nick Clegg reportedly led the baby-eating, in what many observers are speculating may be 'a callous attempt to win favour form his Tory over-lords'.

A source close to the deputy Prime Minister said, "Clegg was going mental for the baby burgers, scoffing them down like they were fucking vol-au-vents... the slag.

'Anyone would think he was gunning for promotion or something'

David Cameron reportedly moderated his usual infant-bloodlust for the occasion, after kissing Clegg gently on the forehead and saying 'its your time to dine on the flesh of the young now my prince.'

He added, 'Eat heartily, you need the strength.'

...

The tradition of eating the young of the poor reportedly dates back to the days of Oliver Cromwell, who used to spend most of December riding around Ireland on a huge stallion, mercilessly harvesting the offspring of famine-struck peasants.

Critics of the tradition have condemned it as 'barbaric', a charge which was summarily ignored by recently-wound-in whipping boy Vince Cable.

The Business Secretary said in a statement yesterday, 'Well, clearly eating children isn’t an ideal way to spend the holidays but... well, it is tradition. And, you know... I love all that.'

‘The boys need feeding don’t they? Who are we to say if it’s right or wrong?

He added. 'But then... does anyone care what i think any more?

‘No?

'Rightyo.'

Epic Wins and Fails of 2010

FAIL: The end of the Seventy Free (and other less appropriately numbered bendy buses)

So long to exhilarating British bus journeys. Not long ago we would jump aboard the bendy monstrosities with glee, the distance to our final destination punctuated with furious adrenaline rushes as we frantically scanned at every press of the breaks, eyeing menacing pedestrians sporting hints of neon yellow.

Remember the knowing bond built with your fellow passengers as you simultaneously lunged to scan your invariably depleted oyster cards? No more can we live on the edge, we are Johnny clock-checker, just one in an endless stream of monotonous beeps.

WIN: Angry Birds

In 2010 a fine game of physics was born. We treasured every second spent catapulting those obese angry birds, safe in the knowledge that the vast hours focused on analysing the consistency of their vertical acceleration, assessing the variables of their velocity and considering the resistance of the trusty slingshot, allowed us to gain an understanding of natural science that Hawking would shudder at.

After a crash course in matter and motion, the pigs would fall victim to our carefully projected poultry time after time. Epic satisfaction, bless their beaks.

WIN - WIN: A Police station on Overbury Road

The prevailing local rumour of 2010 proved true – a win in principle for the pesky old bill. However, the resplendent blue lights failed to inhibit the rampant motherfuckery on Overbury Road. Win.

FAIL: Being a Dickhead's Cool

First, for being overplayed by idiots (not its fault, it was funny once). More importantly, for encouraging said idiots to compile lists of items they were 'guilty' of before poorly feigning embarrassment as follows; 'Oh dear, I must have been to at least three warehouse raves this year, and I once lived in Bethnal Green. I guess that sort of makes me a dickhead.' I know what you're trying to say mate, but you are an obscene try-hard, and trying is never cool. Also, your tattoo is shit. FAIL.

WIN: Black Beards

The frosty beverage that has warmed our winter. If you haven't been treated to this fine cocktail consisting of 1/4 dark rum, 2/4 Coca-Cola, 1/4 Guinness Draught, you have missed out. Best consumed in winter months - January and February hold great promise. Slurrrrp!

FAIL: Inception

Famously dismissed by revered film critic, Gary Battle, for being 'a bit proud of itself', the only achievement of this nonsensical spiral of shite was to inspire one outstanding episode of South Park. Well done, I suppose.

WIN: Wikileaks

Dominating the headlines of 2010 were 'leaks' distributed by Julian Assange and co. This phenomenon represents an unprecedented power shift and, although raising questions in terms of responsibility in assimilating and distributing such volumes of sensitive information, Wikileaks has no doubt shaken the powers that be, hopefully signalling a new era of accountability to a now global, connected democracy.

WIN: Microsoft

For Kinect, because it's the future. And Bill Gates for still riding the bus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NONo10bU67M.

WIN: Caribou

The new direction taken in this year's Swim was a welcome evolution. Involvement from Four Tet's Kieran Hebdon is evident although the album retains a strong identity of its own, with simpler waves of layering and fluid instrumentation distinct from Hebdon's intricate, choppy, swarthing sound.

Flawless haunting melodies are complimented by soft, thumping bass, and dark and ethereal themes flow throughout.

While influences range from house, tribal, electro and pop, the album retains a consistency that is a tribute to it's creator.

Each track is accompanied by a select scattering of lyrics which, when present, always compliment the tracks and never overpower.

Odessa and Kaili are stand-out tracks of the year.

FAIL: Munting (or Munging)

Disgusting. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=munting

But! Try using it in puns, the joy is endless! Take, for example, film titles: Good Will Munting, Broke Back Munting, Munters Inc., Munty Python, and so on. Excellent.

WIN: Standon Calling Festival

Small enough capacity, big enough acts, with Buena Vista Social Club, Metronomy, Etienne de Crecy, Efterklang, Casiokids, Liars, The Phenomonal Handclap Band, Pantha Du Prince and, of course, Fran and Josh. Even the high child count didn't stand in its way.

More than enough toilets and showers, catering was top with Lucy's Toasties doing a roaring trade, and Alcatraz, with its fantastic prison-themed chill-out rooms, wedged in a tight alley between two towering brick walls, may be the best club ever.

That is all. Happy New Year!

riots... students and police fight it out. the air runs red with calls for tory blood... 40,000 students lose the war

everyone looked scared. my hoodie and sunglasses can’t have helped.

everyone on the tube knew what was going on today... everyone knew about the riots. they had, after all been in full swing now for well over 2 hours.

i was, by all accounts late.

the tube pulled up at charring cross station and i began the long walk down the labyrinthian tunnels, furiously imagining the consequences of heavy-handed police tactics and conjuring up alibis in my head.

not that i needed them of course. but, faced with the prospect of a thousand scared, angry police officers it’s hard not to imagine worst case scenarios.

i pictured a member of the territorial support group grilling me on my presence at the demo...

“what officer? no, i’m a journalist.. a peacefull observer. i’m not a trouble-maker. i’m here to observe.

I’m not well, i don’t want to get hit, i’m scared...”

shit... get a grip man. what good is that going to? all you’ll inspire is some sort of sarcastic quip about ‘being a brave little boy’ and then pushed into the fray with the rest of the scumbags.

no... nothing for it but to join the throng and try to steer clear of trouble.

trafalgar square was ominously empty.... clearly i was not with the masses.

still, as good a place as any to get an impression of what was going on. the electricity in the air was stifling... people with placards and crazy expressions on their faces sidled past listlessly. no-one seemed to know exactly what was going on and, at this point, there didn’t seem to be a great deal of organisation.

later i would see the weird spectacle of a full blown rally on the victoria embankment and witness the effect of a thousand strange students bellowing at a rabble-rousing gang of anarchists... a horrific sight. right now though... nothing.

just as well though i suppose. i still had to go into uni and back before truly getting involved.

i walked around for a bit, through westminster and over charring cross bridge to waterloo.. marvelling at the garrisons of police guarding any building they considered smashable..

then onto elephant

…..

2 hours later i was back in westminster.

this time my exit at charring cross had led me down to westminster bridge via the afore-mentioned rally...

thousands of protesters now... all angry at their cohort’s being ‘kettled’ down at parliament square.

as the vote came in- the ayes had won it- the crowd turned insane. people rushed the police with missiles and tannoys. chants flew around directed at the tories but, ultimately, directed at the police..

and then.. well.. nothing. the cold got the better of me and i left.

..

i would later hear of horrific skirmishes between protesters and police. a man dragged from a wheelchair, a full blown riot in oxford street... a mounted charge on unarmed civilians...

but.. well, i didn’t see that. all i saw was a load of angry people and a load of scared, but prepared coppers.

that and democracy proving, once again, that it doesn’t really work.

the result of all this is unclear. mass demonstrations like this only really serve to bolster requests from the police for more powers to dispell crowds. the anti-globalisation riots of the early noughties led to the massive erosion of civil liberties.

i suppose its inevitable that these clashes will have a similar effect..

all that’s left now is to see whether the people of london side with the disenchanted youth or decide, once again that these protesters are just angry, lost lunatics rather than equals under law.

judging the by the media today it would appear they’re going with the latter..

Axl Rose “not even nearly bothered’ by upset fans.

Axl Rose has shot down criticism from fan groups for yet another late arrival by asserting that he couldn’t give two fucks what they think.

Rose pitched up an hour late at last night’s O2 arena show, just over a month after a similar stunt at Reading Festival led to him being booed for extended periods by his own fans.

Life-long Guns n Roses fan Glyn Harris said of the O2 show, “We were waiting for what seemed like an age when Rose finally pitched up, resplendent in his plugs and whatnot. The show was alright but I could help but get the feeling that he was just sort of laughing at us in between songs.

“But then I suppose If I knew that people had paid top dollar to see me turn up late, parade a band of phonies and basically phone in a half arsed performance I’d be pretty tickled.”

An unnamed member of the new Guns n Roses said last night that the singer’s after show party basically consisted of the band gathering around the light shining out of rose’s arsehole as he cackled manically into the small hours of the night, taking occasional breaks to shout derogatory remarks about the ‘gullible cunts’.

“I wasn’t sure whether or not I had to sit and take it to be honest, but then I’m being paid by the hour so I just sort of thought ‘fuck it’.

“Better this than going back to session work on Sheryl Crowe’s new album.”

He added, “I hate myself”.

Morons amazed as Marilyn Manson turns out to be a real person

Marilyn Manson has shocked fans and morons alike in a brave move into the world of normal appearance.

For his upcoming appearence in U.S show Eastbound and Down, Manson, real name Brian Warner, has opted against his usual heavy make-up look in favour of au-naturel skin and a big fuck-off mullett.

The move has attracted fierce response throughout the blogosphere with some observers in a state of near panic at the singer's new look.

"Well, I've got to tell you, its all a bit weird really" said FucKthJeWs, real name Guy Rowland, a bible belt hick with hilariously racist tendencies.

"I've been telling my children, Mary-Ann and Guy Junior that Manson shoudln't be listened to on account of him actually being a jew alien.

"This transgretion into the world of not looking like a complete fucking freak has all but ruined that though

"I can only assume that i'm going to have to come up with some other lie to cover up this one"

He added, "Now that's parenting"

The furore over manson's appearance is the latest in a long line of incidents provoked by the strangely androgonous singer which, with very little effort on his part have managed to repeatedly expose the idiocy of the American people.

But then, as curmudgeonly America Studies expert Sam King said yesterday, "If you really need a man in a dress to show you how moronic the yanks are then, well, you've probably got bigger problems than manson haven't you?"

"Why dont you go read a nice book, thicky?"

Dozens thrilled as student loans arrive on time.

A smattering of London students have received their student loans on time and in full, reports indicate today.

The lucky 35, all from middle class families rich enough to not really need them anyway, are over the moon. This is in sharp contrast to the millions, literally millions, who are doomed to a fortnight of frantic 0845 student loan company phone calls, sweaty late night panic-insomnia nightmares and gnawed finger nails.

"Its outrageous", said Jimmy Bennett, a student of make-up and beauty at The University of East London.

"I've already taken out a loan-shark loan on the student loan and blown the lot on blusher, eyeliner and meth-amphetamines. Now, with no blooy money to pay off the debt it's just a matter of time before Franky the Gun pays me a visit.

"Fucking brilliant.

"Someone's gonna pay for this. Where's Vince Cable? The smug twat."

When asked to comment on the mess, Mr Cable merely stretched, yawned and mutterred something barely coherent about it "not really being [his] problem."

He also pointed out that when the coalition insatalled former BP boss Lord Browne as the head of the student finance review they "pretty much opened to door to any manner of evil, twisted skullduggerry". Adding sleepily that we "really shoudln't be too suprised at any of this this".

Lorde Browne was unavailble for comment. Probably due to him blowing all his newly aquired wealth on iphones for his corgis and some sort of elaborate, swedish made sex-swing.

The cunt.

Bono reveals details of his 'charity' accounts.

Ireland's most irritating man, Bono, has finally released financial reports of his pet philanthropic project 'Charity ONE', a half baked scam organisation apparently designed to gleam as much money out the hands of the Inland Revenue and into his greasy pockets.

The U2 singer and massive cunt has proudly announced to the world what a greedy little bastard he really is with details of the incredibly audacious tax dodge. After years of incessent moaning about how music pirates were reducing his income to that of the GDP of Switzerland and being on the forefront of any plan to help him and Lars Ulrich to earn any more money, Bono has recently figured out what scientologists have known all along: If you want to keep your cash away from the clutches of the taxman either form a religion or start a charity.

Bono, or Jesus as he likes to be called by his close friends, went with the charity idea after being informed by esteemed Nazi, the Pope Benedictus XVI that he is not, after all, the fucking messiah.

In 2008 Bono's charity took $14,993,873 in donations from the sort of idiots who still think the 80's was the best decade ever. Of that 14 million a collossal $184,732 was handed out to tramps, drug addicts and Joss Stone. The remainder was presumably used for promotional gifts; designer water bottles $15 bags of cocaine, pamphlets etc.

Oh and only $8Million to pay staff/Bono.

A source close to the star said "Yeah, Bono's been sending me bottles of water and cocaine in the post since 2008. The bastard also had little pamphlets explaining that African children need money or they would die. It was a total buzz kill but at least you could use the paper to snort a line."

Bono has been unavailable for comment due to his humanitarian commitments and we really do hope that his trip to North Korea will end up with us forgetting about him while he rots in a hole eating cockroaches and his own shit..

By Mo Elliot

Mr. Brightside: Brandon Flowers Signs Shock Sally Hansen Deal

Brandon Flowers strikes multi-million cosmetics deal to coincide with the launch of his new solo album, ‘Tango.’

Executives at Sally Hansen, manufacturer of a thick orange fake tan popular with slags and rugby players the world over, are said to have chosen Flowers over contenders Peter Andre and bassist Pete Wentz, of US band Fall Out Boy, due to his fame on both sides of the Atlantic.

Long term rival,

Pete Wentz, is said to be highly emo-tional. For him, this may be the final straw in a feud dating back to 2005, when The Killers lashed out after becoming convinced that their A&R representative was being hogged by the angsty wieners, also signed to label Island Def Jam.

Tango, Brandon’s first solo venture, was released yesterday. Once more, the self-professed poet relies heavily on his Las Vegas roots to boost his lacking cool factor, the album opening with a track originally named ‘Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas’. Much like 50 Cent being shot nine times, if there’s one thing you know about Brandon Flowers it’s that he hails from Las Vegas, Nevada.

Another heavily marketed ‘fact’ about Flowers is that he is a Mormon, albeit famously selective in his adoption of the faith’s countless commandments. His solo album plunders predictably through a list of pious references.

This new deal, exposing his extreme indulgence in vanity, comes as no surprise. The singer’s album sleeve shows him heavily lathered in the terracotta tanning product he endorses, waiting in a hotel room like your average Haringey hooker.

President of the Mormon church, Thomas S. Monson, today launched a scathing attack on the cosmetics giant, branding the newly-signed contract "grotesque". Former bandmates of The Killers have advised the frontman "this no way to take out a hit". Flowers would appear to be caught in the Crossfire.

Another drink "definitely a good idea", booze hound decides.

A local man decided earlier this week that another drink was absolutely definitely a good idea, despite all evidence to the contrary.

At 10 o clock on wednesday, Omar Merouan of Manor House decide that a sixth vodka and coke was defintiely the way to go, despite completely losing all faculties of sight, balance and lucidity.

The drink, he decided, would probably "sort him right out" and, incredibly, might even sober him up.

The phenomena of more alchohol making you less drunk is relatively rare, although there are reports of particularly industrious Russians drinking enough vodka to make them think that they are capable of driving HGV lorries, with hilarious consequences.

Merouan, who insists he does not have a drinking problem, in fact drank at least another 3 drinks before throwing sticky vomit all over his face and bellowing semi-coherent abuse at literally anyone he saw.

The night ended in spectacular fashion with the alchohol crazed lunatic threatening to "fight anyone" before curling up in the foetal position on his friend's floor.

His friend, who cannot be named for legal resons, was furious.

"I was trying to have sex with my girlfirend and suddenly he marched in mumbling something about 'motherfuckers' and 'puching that guy in the face' before collapsing on the floor and snoring loudly.

"Needless to say, sex was out the question."

Rumours abouund that Omar is set to repeat the performance later tonight.

Drug addicts apparently delighted as grunts to be added to dictionary.

London's drug addicts were delighted today wiht news tat their monosylabic, neanderthal grunts are to be added to the new edition of the oxford english dictionary.

Additions such as "ugh" (a casual agreement), ngh, (a disgusted rejection) and bleurgh (a warning of imminent vomitus) are to be officially recognised by the venerable institution from next month in a move which industry insders have branded "foul", "ridiculous" and "clear evidence that the OED have broken their Xbox".

Drug addicts throughout London seemed to be thrilled with the news, although the contorted facial expressions researchers took to mean happiness could well have been some sort of stroke kicking in, admitted Eduardo Rodrigalvarez of the institute of Drug Addict Control.

"It's hard to tell with junkies" said the researcher. "Sometimes you think they're smiling at you but really it's just gas. Or them recollecting a particualry satisfying hit of battery acid or whatever.

"On the whole they seemed pretty happy with the news though. Bless em "

Renowned poet and over-articulator William John Balmer of Some God-awfull town in Scotland, said yesterday "While i can ken their reasons for adding these dubiously succinct words into their compendium of lexiography, i can't see the sense in pandering to a demographic which, lets face it, cant even afford to buy the sun, let alone a dictionary"

"What they should be doing is putting some of the new words i've been inventing into it."

"I've got loads."

The latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary will hit shops later this year.

Winehouse's house 'defintely not a crack den'.

Amy Winehouse is absolutely not the proprietor of a sleazy crack den, sources close to the star have insisted.

The slowly rotting singer has batted off accusations of drug fiendery all week following reports that london's favourite wastrell Pete Doherty is to move into her london hovel. Presumably to freebase Sudafed and crack out of cans of White Ace.

"Amy's clean" said a pal of the singer. "and so is Doherty for that matter, I dont care what you think you saw last night outside the Hawley Arms. Doherty's off the crack"

Meanwhile, Mark Ronson is reportedly still chuckling quietly to himself after Winehouse's claim last week that she had a modicum of creative input into her 2008 album 'Back to Black'.

Ronson has tried all manner of sombre activites to stem the uncontrable laughter following the hilarious claims.

A friend of the producer said yesterday, "Someone needs to get round his house and kill his pets or something. If he keeps this level of luaghter up he's going to do himself a mischief."

"Apparently constant laughter can give you an aneurism. Right?"

Amy Winehouse was unavailable for comment.