The planned closure of 360 of Britains libraries will leave many of the UK’s tramps unwashed, researchers have revealed.
In a study funded by the UK institute of homeless research, pollers found that 90% of the country’s transients will now have to resort to washing themselves in fountains, birdbaths and rivers.
Trampologist Stephen Greaves said, “This is terrible news for the tramps. No longer will they be able to use the disabled toilets as a sort of walk-in washroom. And neither will they be able to read the stocks news on those weird papers with massive planks of wood down the spine, pretending to be some sort of off-duty stockbroker”
“Not that they were fooling anyone mind. Everyone knows stockbrokers only read Nuts and Zoo”
The study also found that the removal of free internet provision at the remaining libraries will lead to pensioners having to take their stupid, obvious questions about email to Mcdonalds and poorly equipped internet cafes.
Racist octogenarian Patsy Smith, of Leighton Buzzard said, “I don’t fancy the prospect of sharing an internet café with minorities and that. And what if theres a man wanking in the booth next to me?
“And who will listen to me complaining about the postal service?”
She added, “This is a nightmare”
The plans for removal of libraries is expected to go ahead regardless though, with the saved money going on buying all the UK’s papers in a desperate attempt to garner some positive press for Nick Clegg.
The move, described as ‘literally the only thing that’s going to save’ the beleaguered Lib-Dem chief’s reputation is the brain-child of disgraced former tory spin-doctor Nick Coulson.
The cunt.
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