‘By Jove they’re good at fighting’: Cameron to push for national service.

The rebelling poor of England have taken the spotlight as a potential source of cheap army labour following the recent unrest throughout England.

With much of London, Manchester, Birmingham and Liverpool still reeling from the events of the last week, Prime Minister David Cameron is reportedly licking his lips at the prospect of stocking out his beleaguered and overworked army with a fresh supply of fight-happy, violent jihad-fodder.

In a remarkable own-goal for the rioters, many of whom claim to have taken the unrest as an opportunity to vent frustrations at an increasingly malignant and uncaring state, The government is now apparently hell-bent on forcing the youth of Britain into national service- ensuring that our future resource wars will be better manned and, in all likelihood, even rapier than ever.

While many observers have questioned the efficacy of arming a demographic already apparently hell-bent on learning weapons skills and violence in their own spare time, a growing number of people are applauding the move as just the sort of forward-thinking we need to successfully steal the likes of Iran’s oil reserves.

Stockwell-based market trader and part-time racist Paul Hartly said, “Having seen the scale of destruction meted out on the businesses of London by these scruffy, unwashed yobs I can totally see where the sense in these measures lies.

“After all, they’re clearly keen on smashing things, why not put them in amongst the rag-heads?

“It’s two birds one stone innit? Help our boys acquire more oil and keep the ugly face of a divided society neatly out of sight. Sweet.”

Not everyone agrees though. Combat expert Brigadier Horatio Cornbuckle said: “While I can certainly see where Cameron’s coming from here, the army at present does what it can to try and avoid recruiting dangerous sociopaths.

“Now, that’s not to say that we don’t occasionally let a few finger collectors, prisoner molestors or friendly fire enthusiasts through the net but to propose that we start actively targeting lunatics is probably something of a mistake.

“After all, the last thing you want to give someone who loves destruction is a gun. Right?

“That said, maybe the whole ‘hearts and minds’ attitude taken by the top brass has had its day. Mindless brutality, casual arson and blood-curdling violence worked in the days of Genghis Khan and look how succesfull he was.

He added, “Maybe it’s time to start learning from the masters.”

By Kristian Goodchild, kgoodchild@gmail.com