V Festival organisers have completely lost any interest in maintaining credibility sources reveal. This follows news that the corporate-nightmare-dressed-as-a-festival has booked reality TV pipsqueak Peter Andre to play his unique brand of awful, awful pop to the usual mix of bankers, misguided students and lost, elderly ramblers.
Andre, 56, was apparently ferreting in his Buckinghamshire mansion when one of his minions excitedly relayed confirmation of the surprise booking. Having had the news translated into Klingon, which the seriously troubled housewives favourite has reportedly been speaking exclusively for the last three months, he “jumped up, clicked his heels and gone into a sort of jovial jig” according to sources close to the star.
Andre is said to be delighted at the news.
“Pete's not had much good news recently” said a friend of the star. “his favourite ferreting jack Russell recently killed himself after witnessing one of his famous five hour sobbbing sessions, and Jordan keeps sending him pictures of her shoe collection”
“I was starting to worry about his state of mind”
While it's good news for Andre however it's the latest in a long line of calamitous decisions for V festival, now officially the most boring festival in the UK.
“After last years ridiculous decision to employ midgets to wipe VIP's arses and the laughable move to sell only flat cider in all the beer tents we all thought it couldn't get any worse.” said Festival Review's Steve Horace, “This however proves that V has got what it takes to prove to us again and again that that have absolutely no interest in quality, credibility or customer empathy.”
He added “What are you doing for the third week of August? I'm going to be in my garden bashing my head against a brick wall for three days.”
Tickets for V are, unsurprisingly, still available.
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